Ah, moving on to the good rant.. haha! Ok so, just last month, I got accepted to work at a cardiac surgery unit and I’m just finishing my orientation. One last shift, a night shift, and then I’ll be on my own! Exciting and scary at the same time! It’s interesting how the unit works and I have to say this (not in a demeaning way), they are very anal about things. Haha but understand that we are dealing with the heart and lungs so of course you have to be anal. Do you want staff that just chillaxes and doesn’t pay attention to lab work, to the slightest changes in heart rate or rhythm? I don’t think so, not on a unit like this. So anyways, being anal means I have to retrain myself into working at such a pace to cover all the different bases, and there are lots to cover (compared to my general surgery unit)! So for now, i’m very grateful for the 12hour shifts, it doesn’t make me run around like a chicken with the head cut off.. Although, I’ve had a few shifts like that recently lol. So bottom line is, I’m glad for the change, the new challenges of this new environment and the pleasant new people that I’m meeting everyday. It’s fun even though it’s a bit stressful. I needed something to take my mind off things, and this is working perfectly. I’m not as exhaustively stressed about the other things and this work stress is a healthy sort of stress; makes me want to do better each day. I’m gonna study after this actually, need to review all the heart meds and such. So wish me luck, and ciao for now! :)
Ok that’s a bit too much for a title, but hear me out. I am the most cowardly person when it comes to dealing with my own mother. She and I hasn’t been seeing eye to eyes these past year and it is driving me insane! It all started with a legitimate reason for my sudden change on how I viewed her. Before that happened, I knew her to be a strong, caring (in her own tough way), and wanted the best for everyone. And now all I see is someone who had manipulated my thoughts, actions and emotions into what she wanted. I’m not trying to be hateful, and I do want our relationship to get better because I do love her, I just don’t appreciate it when she tries to get everyone to do what she wants either through guilt trips or using other people against us.
For the longest time, she would always tell me “You’ll take care of me when I’m old, right? You’ll let me live with you?” After years and years of this, I felt so much pressure. I felt so much pressure to do well in life, which, in hindsight, is not such a bad thing but the motivation behind it is all wrong, don’t you agree? She never once hounded my oldest brother about it and when I found the courage one day to ask her this question, she answered, “I can’t rely on him, you know that.” I was disappointed, to say the least. Instead of feeling like she was seeing me in such a good light, I just saw how she wanted to be comfortable. My brother is the type to just go with the flow, and not push himself any more than necessary. I could never rely on him financially, let’s say if I needed $5000 for a debt. They would hassle, scold and nag me to figure out a way to get that repaid or reduced. If it was my brother who needed the same thing, I would be a bit hesitant at first but I’d shell it out. Why? Because my mother drilled into me the important of sticking together as a family. And that’s how I treat all of them, very important but I try not to show it because I find they abuse that.
For example, my mom knows that guilt trips work on me like magic. I cannot, in good conscience, let other people suffer when I know I have something to give. This is after she’s told me all the sad history that this particular person (usually a distant relative) and then I can’t undo that knowledge and my conscience kicks in and I start feeling guilty that I’m doing well and I can’t even spare a few hundred dollars to help this person out. It’s not that I abhor the giving part, I don’t mind it actually. It’s how she haggles ONLY me for this that pisses me off. She knows my other siblings won’t do the same because they can tolerate talking back to her, and I couldn’t seem to do that. She knew me enough to do things like that, but not enough to know how I truly felt when she did do those things.
Somehow I managed to live with her like that, and I’ve even learned to accept that she will always be that way. For years, I lived my life putting her first when I make major decisions. When I bought my car, it was primarily so I could drive her to work if my dad didn’t want to (if you’ve read my older post, there’s a much bigger reason but eventually comes down to this). See what I mean? Even now, as I’m getting ready to buy my own place, I still worry about their bills coz I pay them currently and help with the groceries as well. So I have to figure out how the’ll be able to manage without my income to help them out.
What changed my view of my mom was both what she said and what she didn’t say. We had talked to her about divorcing my dad for various reasons (mostly his fault) and then talked to my dad separately about it. It was a very turbulent time for all of us, and for me, I just wanted it to be over so we could all move on. Keep in mind, I was with my mom on this 120%, I was ready to back her up even with what I know, because I knew she made the right choice, even with how she was prior to this. (This threat to break the family has been ongoing. Imagine the stress of that when you’re around the people that are screaming and hurting each other all the time and in the process, hurting you by not thinking about how this affects you as it drags on and on and on.)
Anyways, it was during our talk that I finally realized she was never really intent on leaving my dad if she didn’t get to live the same way as she is. I was all for it and I told her she’d have to start going by bus to work again, we’d have to live in a small apartment when they sell the house, and we might have to start our life over again. Now to get a view of her life is right now: She gets dropped off and picked up from work coz she doesn’t know how to drive, we travel every year together as family (with me and my brother) handling most everything aside from her flight tickets (they have air miles), we live in a brand new house. You can see the difference it’ll make, right? But I didn’t even worry about those things because the emotional toll it was taking was so hard on me and I could barely think of anything else in my daily living. When we finally asked her if she was going to separate, she said “I can’t leave him; I don’t know what he’ll do to himself.” She was using my dad as an excuse to hide the fact that she won’t be content if she’s not living the same lifestyle if they went ahead with the divorce.
That was the turning point for me. I thought, if you’d rather be living a lie and stay miserable, I can’t support such a decision and I won’t stay in this kind of environment anymore. I’d never said those things aloud and I think that part is my mistake. She has no idea what the reason is for my cold demeanour when I’m around her. Because ever since then, every time she talked to me, all I can think of is “How could you lead us on like that the entire time?” And I can’t seem to stop the numbness, the lack of love and the seething anger that I get when I see her or hear her voice. It’s continually progressing even now. I’ve tried forgiving her and accept her as she is (for my own sanity’s sake) but it screwed with my mind that I started feeling guilty for my current decision of wanting to leave.
It’s hard to admit that I don’t have a good relationship with my mom, because she’s the one that I had trusted most when I was a kid. And now that that’s broken, it saddens me even though I want to get away as fast as I can. I lack that good communication with her, but history taught me that she’d get mad at me and end the conversation with a guilt trip every time I tried to talk to her about these things. To me, I feel like if she changed herself for the better, I would consciously try my best to see past our rough patches and make it work again. I mean I miss hugging her, having family gossips with her, or her crazy funny side. But since that is not happening yet, I think I have to distance myself if I don’t want to hate her for the rest of my life.
My gutlessness is in that I can’t tell her I’m leaving unless everything is all set and I’m ready to go. But it’s because I know her enough that she would try to do something to stop it had I told her of that decision early. I’m giving her a month’s notice but no more. I know she’ll be hurt, but she had already made her choice so I’m making mine. For my own well being, I want to have a peaceful home environment and a quiet that would be good for meditation. None of this, swearing at each other in front of us, the yelling and constant pretence of being a happy family. I’m exhausted and I need the change.
Oh, the feels. Today, I woke up feeling hungry and in great need of shower. I opened my eyes to a dull brightness and I could already guess the weather wasn’t as sunny as I’d like it to be. It’s a Sunday and my mom had wanted to go to church, but since she is still fast asleep–tired from working 12 hours yesterday–I let her sleep and I sit in front of my computer. Days like these, I feel like I have to be productive. And I think, hey maybe I can add a chapter or two to my main goal for this year: the mermaid story. But I know I haven’t written anything on my blog for a long, long time so here I am. :)
So what have I been up to lately, you ask? Well, being busy at work leaves me with a very slim time frame to actually do things that actually give me pleasure (i.e.) writing, reading, playing Starcraft 2, watching my fave shows, etc… And yet yesterday, at the start of my week off (Yes, I’m on vacation with nowhere to go), I started playing Don’t Starve again. I wrote a post about it before, search it because for some reason, I can’t put the link on here.
Now there is a new update and I thought, eh I don’t play it that often so I didn’t want to buy it off of Steam. Then I saw that it contained 2 new characters to play and so, of course, I go ahead and buy it out of curiosity. Guess what? This game just got a lot harder!! The newest update is called “Reign of Giants” and the new seasons have new bosses, which drives me nuts coz I’m too much of a coward to try and kill them when they spawn. I run around hoping they’re too slow to follow me but I hate it when they break my stuff/bases (I’m talking to you, Deerclops).
Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, I shouldn’t play this game today after all the time I’ve spent playing as Wigfrid yesterday–which was so much fun–and instead I should be working on my stories! Oh,I know I’ve neglected most of them especially this year since I make a promise to focus on the mermaid story this year. I’ve actually gotten the introduction. Now, it’s a matter of picking where the story is going in each subplot. It annoys me that I can think of the story clear as day but I have such a hard time typing it out when it comes to the detail work. Imagination needs to run in overdrive but then I get a headache.. LOL. Well, time to get started then.. but first, off to the kitchen to find some nourishment!
I’ve never been to Mexico and it was really fun when a big bunch of us went (10 ladies) for a good week. It was interesting because we got to sight see and at the same time have enough relax time for me to get so burnt that I’m peeling off skin after only a week has passed. Of course, my best friend was with me (never apart, we are. lol). The only thing I didn’t like was how they used USD currency. It made everything a little more expensive that they should’ve been, in my opinion. I mean you can haggle but still.. it wasn’t the same.
My favourite part was Isla Mujeres! Haggling for souvenirs, and getting offered tequila on a burning hot day was funny. And yes, the last ferry back to our resort left without us, but we toughed it out and got on a different ferry and braved the bus back to Barcelo Costa. We saw this amazing view of the cliff and it was breath taking. You could see iguanas soaking up the sun on the rocks, too. A little creepy but since, they don’t move fast, they didn’t creep me out too much. There’s a good story to this: Riding on our cool golf cart, we were about to go around the island to see this amazing cliff, according to our friend.
But she forgot the directions of how to reach the cliff, and none of us knew enough Spanish to ask the native speakers. Then my cellphone comes to our rescue. I had downloaded the Google Translate app on it and had Spanish, French, and Japanese languages so I could translate offline. ‘Acantilado’ is the word for cliff and we would stop every now and then to make sure we were heading the right way. Then just when we get tot the cliff, our personal chauffeur noticed there was a map right on the steering wheel. LOL. We laughed ourselves silly.
The excursion that we went to first was called Xel-Ha. We did quite a bit of snorkelling and eating. Now that I think about it, we were only there for 2.5 hours which was totally not enough to finish the whole thing! Even though on it’s map, it looks like a theme park (so fun!) and it had the river where you can jump off a small cliff! I wanted to do that and walk on a rope!! We started on the wrong side of the place.. Ooh and there were dolphin interactions for an extra $100 which I did not have, sadly. Next time, I will do it!
Did I mention that I bought a hammock chair? Haha, the guy wanted it for $75 and that thing was not worth $75 at all. So I haggled to get it for $40 but he wanted $45, so I said, sure. I didn’t realize it wouldn’t fit in my luggage so I had to carry it like it was stroller/carry on. At least, the airport didn’t give me so much grief for it. I refuse to post pictures of our bar hopping tour; I was red like a lobster from all the alcohol, but at least I was still moving; if I was drunk as heck, I wouldn’t be able to move off the floor–which is a very scary thought, when you’re in a different country that you can’t speak the language of… LOL!
Well, since it’s been so long since I’ve updated my stories, I’ve finally decided to stick to one and work it until it’s finished. I used to love re-reading my stories, revisiting the various worlds I’ve known for so long but I was always scared to touch them even at their unfinished stage. To me, the words had to be perfect otherwise, it wouldn’t feel right. ARGHH! I’ve been in that stage for almost 3 years now! I’ve only managed to add a page or two here and there but that’s as far I got! I blamed it on my lack of reading lately, but who was I kidding? So! Now, you’ve all had a sneak peek at one particular story of mine, The Mermaid Story (no, that’s not going to be the final title of the story).
Like I said in my previous introductory posts about this story, I’ve actually finished the main plot line of this story. It’s the details that are hard to put to it because of some issues (i.e.) how to make mermaids talk, and do the animals talk in words or no, etc. Now with my fourth year of procrastinating, I’ve finally made up my mind to write out this story. It’s been a rough start, with the images of how the story should go a certain way interfering with my processing for details. However, with that said, my writer’s block is finally gone and I’m proud to say that the story now has a new introduction, and along the way, I’ve conjured up new characters as well. I feel as though they’ll be crowded with so many crews throughout the story, but I’ll make it work. :) So far, my inspiration comes from Boyzone’s songs. LOL! I know; it’s weird. Don’t ask me why, but it just lulls me into my fantasy world and keeps me there. Pray that at the last day of the year 2014, the story will be finished because it’s my present to my sister and my best friend. I don’t want to give them an unfinished present.
After thinking about why I’m such a weirdo, look what I found while I was browsing in the bookstore: Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. For the longest time, ever since I’ve noticed that when I was younger, I was always so shy and quiet when it comes to socializing. I’m fine if you leave me with family and stuff, but the moment I know I have to deal with someone new.. I’m already comparing myself in my brain to how the other kids (my close cousins) react to those kinds of people. I was never quick to like someone enough or trust someone enough to be spontaneous around them. I alway measure, measure, measure. I’m gauging their actions, their words, and how other people react to them. I always thought of my younger self as an outsider; always observing, barely participating. It literally felt like I was watching life happen in front of me. I’m actually very thankful for that because I learned (and I’m still learning) a lot through watching and listening to others; it made me more conscious of good and bad decisions, of personal opinions and intentions. It was eye-opening to live that way and yet at the same time, it felt like there was an invisible barrier between me and the life around me. It felt like I was poring over every small detail and because of it, I was failing to actually live life the way everybody else around me were living.
Since I started reading Cain’s book, I realized that this is how I am and it’s ok to be like this. I am an introvert. It’s very liberating to finally be at ease with myself. I used to feel so bad for declining invitations to socials and parties and even just to hang out. I get stressed out even with just the thought of having to spend hours with random people that I don’t truly know and having to talk and talk and talk. And talk about what? ‘Oh, your nails are so nice. Where’d you get it done?’ I honestly find it hard to start conversations, because I don’t usually care about those things, and when finally (after 20 minutes lol) someone gets to a good topic, I can’t help but want to listen and absorb the useful information. To everybody else, I know I come out quiet, but to me, it’s just that if I don’t have anything useful to contribute, I’m not inclined to talk. You should see me try, though! I can pretend to be an extrovert to some extent! And at some level of comfortability (often with family and close friends), I am totally at ease with spending an outrageous amount of energy, and if the situation calls for it, I can try to emulate this version on myself towards other people. This is also good because let’s face it, our society favours the bold and the outgoing.
Just thinking about the extroverts around here is tiring me out, hahaha! I do try every now and then, and I’m slow to get myself worked-up for these things. If a friends asks me out of nowhere to hangout later that day; the first emotion I feel is dread because I was looking forward to a quiet night of reading, or just staying at home. LOL When I was younger and I didn’t know any better, I blamed my mom for letting me grow up so quiet; I had associated my quietness to her strictly authoritative disciplinarian style (“I rule, you follow… Or else!”) and I even started thinking I was anti-social or a hermit. But now after absorbing most of the book, I now know, the “buzz” for the extroverts are just not the same level required by the introverts. In the book, Cain shows that if extroverts need a party to get that happy feeling, then introverts need a long walk by the beach. The difference is that extroverts are into “jumping into” an activity and introverts are into “analyzing the activity.”
It’s really interesting when I see a friend of mine who is always ‘Go, go, go!’ kind of a person and they tell me that if they’re stuck at home (let’s say the car broke down) for a day, he/she would not know what to do with themselves. I have a lot of interests that keep me busy even though technically I’m only at home. For example, I write, I study languages, I read, and I draw, etc. That extroverted friend of mine thinks I just sit at home and lounge but that couldn’t be farther from the truth; I hate the feeling of being bored. When I’m not productive in anyway and not accomplishing anything, no matter how small, I get restless and I go find something to do. It’s just I find that I recharge my energy better when I don’t have to deal with so many people all at once.
What about you? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? =)
that a heart is a heavy burden? It’s the holiday season and a heavy heart is not what one would hope to have at this time of the year, or any time of the year, for that matter… Nevertheless, faith is my only weapon right now.