My Time in a Positive Trial

I’ve been trying to be really optimistic these past months. I have decided to aim higher and just be more proactive with my goals lately. I’m not as disciplined as I used to be and it is making my life harder than it really is. I’m supposed to learn about stocks and the stock market these days but working/having class Monday to Friday is making it difficult. Lol, I keep telling myself I’ll be better with everyday that passes. On the other hand, I’ve been doing well managing my debts (ie) paying off my credit card more every month and my car loan is almost done [actually it’ll be done by next year]. And I’m also trying to get my savings up so my credit score will be good.

Batman and I are trying to get to a goal where we can both be work-free in about ten years or so. It’s a steep climb for sure but I really think it’s doable if we stick to our plans. Hopefully the next few years come by quickly and relatively free of any obstacles but life will be life. Ups and downs wherever you look. Being an optimist is helpful in the bad situations and Batman is always preaching how he’s a realist and I don’t think it’s as beneficial for the mind and soul compared to being optimistic. I like to think that everything will work out. And that there’s always a silver lining to every cloud. It’s just too depressing not to think that way and I do not cope well when I’m stressed/depressed. I tend to over worry and overthink things and end up stressing myself so much that I sometimes get physically sick. It’s happened a couple of times during extremely stressful situations especially last year but I’ve come to learn from those.

I’ve had to come to terms with a few things in my life and it has been an eye opener. I”m less stressed and I’m not as fixated on the past as I was before. It was at a point where I was questioning every single thing that I was doing, every single decision I ever made; I was worrying whether it was making the people around me happy. Finally there was a point where I told myself, Enough. You have stressed yourself silly and you cannot change what’s around you so instead change yourself, change your point of view so you’re not overly affected by everything that’s going on. And yes, life goes on. Whether you want it to or not, it just goes on.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I’mslowly getting better, staying more positive and it is a good position to be in. I’m happier and even though there are bittersweet reminders of the past, I know I’ll be ok.

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La Nuit Blanche

We missed this year’s La Nuit Blanche but I do have few pics from last year. It was an interesting event, even though it was in the cold-ish almost season. There were lots to see… little trinket stores and locally made jewellery, some fun looking sweaters and some cool outdoor designs… That was my first time going and it turned out to be really fun.

One of them that I really liked was the light cloud. It was a really neat thing and it made people so happy. It was cloud shape made out of light bulbs that you could turn on and off with a string.

You see how people are just amazed by this thing? It was really cool actually. There were a couple more things that were really neat like a bath tub sliced in half to look like chairs. It even had a little head lamp instead of a shower head. I’d have to dig for that specific pic though lol.

Winnipeg is such a small city that there never seems to be anything happening.. And if there is, you probably won’t hear about it unless someone is directly involved in it. Lol I swear I never hear bout anything. Facebook is a lot better at notifying me about nearby events recently. And the events all seem like fun things to do but of course, I’m always working anyways which is a bummer :/

Maybe next year, me and my Batman could go together. Last year, I tagged along my sister and her best friend coz I was not doing anything that weekend. Hopefully I’ll be off work next time it comes to the city!

Studio Esperanto

So! I’m excited to show you a couple shots from my Oiran photoshoot in Kyoto.. It was called Esperanto Kokoro Kyoto Okazaki Studio. It was expensive but totally worth it! It was kind of lucky too that it was a decent walking distance from our hotel/inn that we stayed at in the city. This was from our 10 day trip to Japan that my best friend and I took this past February, which was a very busy 10 days lol.

The studio staff were very friendly even though they can barely speak English. Their photographer was the best out of all of them and it turned out to be such a great fun time!

I’m definitely thinking of going back and doing they’re other options for dress and costumes!!

Blade Runner 2049 Review

Am I the only one who got confused with this movie? Maybe it didn’t help that I don’t remember the original one and so it was a little odd for me. I noticed early on that Ryan Gosling didn’t have much to say and that’s probably part of the movie to help portray his character but boy did it start to bore me. Then they overused that loud electronic noise in so many scenes that I started hating it lol.

It was almost a very good movie but for me it didn’t quite get the emotions across to the viewer and I could see where they were trying to get those to come across but it was just not happening. Even Harrison Ford’s character felt a little one dimensional. I couldn’t quite stay in the story’s plot because of all these distractions. LOL I feel like I sound so mean.  But anyways, I don’t think I should have seen it in theatres.. But I still didn’t mind it so much because it had such good looking scenes. Give it a watch and see how you like it. Ciao for now!

A Way to Cope

You probably haven’t been told about my problems and the toll it takes of always having it in the back of my mind and have it always following you around even if you’re trying your darnest to not think of it…

Well at least writing is an outlet for me and it helps me forget, even just for a moment that my world isn’t so bad. I’ve always wanted to learn how to do watercolour paintings; and so recently I brought it up with my boyfriend and he said, “So what’s stopping you?” And of course all my excuses came rolling off my tongue and he quickly stopped me and said, “Those are all just excuses. Just go do it. Get what you need and paint me something today.” I was slightly taken aback but I should have expected his response. He was always creatively inclined; that was a big part of why I was attracted to him at first.

Anyway, I decided to just go with it. My one fear with starting was that big self doubting question, “What if I’m not good at it?” And I had voiced that to my boyfriend and he said, “I don’t care if it’s ugly, keep doing a painting one day at a time. You’ll get better.” Such encouraging words from that one lol. So here are some of my first tries at watercolour painting. They’re not the best, but I know keeping it up will give me a chance to learn intuitively and give my own unique mark through my paintings.

I hope you like them, I enjoyed making them immensely. Of course I had to watch tutorials too for these, otherwise I think I would have just made a mess of things… Ciao for now! 🙂

Against All

Okay. It’s been a year since I last wrote here. Lots of things have happened, believe me, and most of them were pretty hard to deal with. I’m not one to look for conflict and I avoid it as much as possible, either by ignoring or letting go of things that bother me and trying to find inner peace that way. This past year I found that this caused me more of a problem compared to if I had faced them head on. I’ve told you a few times how I can be such a coward and this is possibly my worst failing. My inability to deal with conflict can really affect the relationships around me and sadly, this affected the one relationship I thought would hold through any hardships, to the end of time: the relationship between me and my best friend.

This will sound cliche, but it got worse when I started dating this guy in a more serious tone. The little jabs and stirring up stuff that had happened before I started dating my now boyfriend was something I had attributed to maybe she wasn’t doing it on purpose, but the one thought that nagged at me–and still does–is this: the things she did was not something I would ever dream of doing to her because I would know it was hurtful. And I would never do anything to hurt the one person that I have complete loyalty to. In order to stop myself from stressing over it or having flashbacks, I accepted that fact that it had happened (for my peace of mind) and reminded myself that I that I love her always, being my best friend and all. The tension kind of ebbed and flowed just under the radar for a bit. It eventually disappeared and was unseen for the most part of these past few years.

After a few months of dating, my best friend let me know that she didn’t trust him and even if that hurt a bit, I could understand that. She attributed her distrust to how so eagerly he had wanted his friends and family to get to know me and how moody he got after 1 meeting. I happened to discuss with her the fact that he started mentioning this after the third week of dating. When I told him to cool it down, he did and stopped asking me to come hang out with his pals. When I brought him home for the first time after about 6 months of dating, on my birthday, my sister was not very personable. Prior to this he already had an idea of how he popular he was with my best friend and sister aka not a lot. He had seen me cry because of it. I was struggling between spending time between them (boyfriend vs. bestie & sis) coz I only had so much days off since I was working full time. It took a toll on me knowing they didn’t like him and they always end up being quiet when I start talking about him. It got to a point where I got uncomfortable mentioning his name because I knew they wouldn’t comment anything good or otherwise. So this is where it started getting horrible. Somehow my not mentioning him made me “secretive” and my best friend even said–towards the last months of this tense environment–she didn’t trust me anymore. And what I couldn’t tell her was, I couldn’t trust her anymore either, because of what happened somewhere in those 7-8 months of me dating my boyfriend. She had a lot of passive aggressive things that she did and when we had our “talks” 2-3 times, she was always justifying her actions with very illogical reasoning. One time I mentioned why she couldn’t respond to my texts after 3-4 days of constant texting and she told me “you don’t know if I was out of the country, how do you that I could reply to you those days”. That was even with me explaining that I texted her mom to make sure she was ok and not dying somewhere (coz she gave me heat for a similar thing happening and she said she was sick). And she always insisted that I was forcing him on her whenever I would mention “we” (mike and I) in my texts; which was very confusing altogether. There was a lot of those and weird distant one word replies when I had some good news to share: “ok good for you” or “no thanks I’m busy” if I invite her to do something, when normally we were both the emoji-filled texters towards each other and normally she talks a lot. She stopped texting me unless I was texting her. So I also got tired of this begging for her attention thing that I was doing and I also stopped texting her unless I had something important to say.  This became very obvious in my family as she had almost stopped going to my house when we would normally be there every time I was on a day off. This took quite a bit of toll on me and I was crying almost every week thinking about it from day to day.. I started getting sickly around those times and this is from someone who rarely got sick; not even a cold would stick to me. My boyfriend of course was stressing out too coz I was getting so stressed out and he kept telling me that my best friend wasn’t acting like a best friend and I would silently agree with him but I always defended her to him, giving her excuses like “oh she’s not used to me having not enough time for her” or “she’s been my best friend for over 10 years”.. It was a terrible terrible time. There’s more to tell, but you get the idea..

Then there’s my family. To them, me and my boyfriend were not a good match. Let’s call him “Jon Snow” (lol yes, Game of Thrones ftw) and he was still in university… meanwhile I’ve had my career for over 6 years now. Understandably, my family worried about his stability in life. I talked to my mom, told her to relax, we were just dating, but she never did. Even though she talked to him whenever he was in our house and treated him like a guest, whenever he wasn’t, she had a totally different view of him. She’d say things like, “who’s paying for this?” and “how does he have money to always go out?” or “isn’t he working today?” All these things started coming out of her when I started going out more. Jon Snow and I went out a lot at the first 6 months or so then afterwards we got lazy and just started watching TV series or movies at his place. And I understood too that, being a student, he didn’t have much to his name and that was completely fine with me. The amount of cuddling actually got me addicted to his armpit smell lol.

To me, I never factored in his financial situation to decide if I liked him, and maybe that’s wrong but I truly didn’t even think of it as an issue. Of course, my family thought otherwise. When I talk to my mom, she would say stuff like, “how will he support you?” I felt like telling her, I don’t need to depend on a man to support me; I can support myself just fine. And he was trying to finish his schooling, that was the entire point for me. I loved that he listened well, communicated very well and was very patient with me and my family/friend. The entire thing was frustrating for him too, coz he’s always treated like a ghost in my house. My sister won’t ever talk to him, my mom is not happy I’m dating him and says things to me behind his back and my brother thinks I’m letting myself be used financially. only my dad seems to be more on the neutral side of things.

Well… that was a long post. I’ll rant more on this later. For now, my heart and my mind are tired.

Random Pic 8

DSCN0019

Well, it’s been a while.. Here is a pic of snow monkeys. Me and my best friend went on a trip to Japan this past February. It was a bit of a hike up in the snowy mountains, but eventually we reached the hot springs and it was a lot of fun!! The little monkeys were just relaxing in the water, while some of them were digging around in the snow, maybe for food… Then one of the babies came out of the hot springs and walked right over my foot as it went up to the snowy hillside. Japan is lots of fun! Will definitely go back 🙂