To Be Or Not To Be…

i am growing more and more aware of the fact that what i got myself into may just not be the right thing for me. i’m not saying i want to quit; as a rule i never quit, even if it means digging myself deeper in my own grave.. if that made sense. i just feel like i’m waaay behind on every single aspect that i could possible do worse in. sometimes i just feel like i’m never going to catch up. the obstacles i’m facing right now seem too hard to tackle for me. every time i notice myself getting depressed over it, i say to myself, ‘if they can do it, then i can do it.’ but i can’t seem to put two and two together fast enough; it takes my brain so long to piece it together that by the time i understand it, half of me have already noted a failure in myself. i want to think that i’m capable of learning all these things but in the testing area [let’s call it that for now] it seriously overwhelms me, which could easily translate to not enough work or research done beforehand. but even with my research, i could never answer the question without doubting myself. and here i thought i didn’t have any self confidence issues. i wish i was born a loud mouth so that i can just say whatever the hell i want with the confidence of a queen. it seems not being able to speak up fast enough is significantly dragging me down in this phase as well. i thought it wouldn’t really do much harm in this phase but i guess communication really is key in this. it’s not like i’ve made deathly errors too, it’s more towards i know it but i don’t trust myself to be so sure of the answer.. it always begins with ‘..uhm..’ and it is seriously gives off a ‘wishy-washy’ attitude which i don’t have; i usually talk with an ‘..uhm..’ at the beginning; that’s just how i am. but the thing is more often than not, the questions to tend to stump me for a little while. being put on the spot by that type of person is really scary and all i think about is ‘what the hell is the right answer to this question!!??!!’ instead of actually thinking about what the right answer is. everything is just against me in this part of the game. i really want to get this over with because the more time i spend thinking about it, the more i feel like such an incompetent fool. but i understand that ‘nobody wants a half-assed anything/anyone’ and i am really angry at myself for being this way and letting myself sink this low. i know i haven’t been doing what is expected of me and my good habits seem to have left me in a flash. i feel like a ‘fun-loving’ person [this is a sarcastic inside joke, sort of; if you know the family personally, you’ll understand it].. and it really is hard to get things done when that feeling takes over me; i randomly decide to go shopping or sleep or whatever comes to mind that will possibly delay the work. i feel alone, which is possibly the worst feeling a person could have. right now sitting here on the bed while my mom and grandma watch their shows in the internet, i feel so distant and insignificant. how a few days in that place can push me ten feet under the ground is beyond me.. i mean, it really shreds up my ego; which might mean i have such a big one. and my confidence just froze at -50 below zero. i feel like i’m dying from the inside out, and always always, i feel so alone. ugh, such an awful feeling. crying could probably help, but it’ll just waste time. but hey, i’m not saying it’s not an option at this point. praying to god is definitely my only hope right now; it truly is. talking to people doesn’t seem to be working; this problem is totally and completely internal.. i just know i’m still missing an essential part of this. i know i should be working on focusing my thoughts and deciding on what i could possibly do to vastly turn the situaiton around towards my advantage. that’s a key word in this situation. everyone else has an advantage, it seems to me.. but anyways this whole thing is basically an excuse, isn’t it? it’s so humiliating. the quickest solution i could think of to solve the problem is to turn away from this phase.. but even i wouldn’t be able to live with myself if i quit now. i already know it’s not my main interest but i’ve already started it and i won’t back out now, even if it means suffering through the days of depression and guilt of not wanting to do what i’m currently doing now. you know that saying ‘waste not, want not’ it feels like it applies to this situation as well. the fact that i’m wanting something else and not what i have in front of me feels a little too capricious of me. but it’s not like i’m not giving my best efort in what i’m in right now.. thus, the question remains: to be or not to be? it will forever scream itself in the corners of my mind until i make a decision to face that one question.

ps: sorry if it’s a little cryptic, i don’t have the guts to spill it all out on here.


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