i have never been more sorrowful for my family in my whole life. experiencing a scandal firsthand is indeed a heavy burden. the moment i found out about it–which was two days ago–at first, i thought, i should have known this would happen. but as my grandma explained more, i realized that it was more than i could bear. i was disgusted, afraid, angry, sad, and i didn’t know what to do. i cried more and more when my grandma explained to me how the misdeed happened. to be honest, the saying, history repeats itself is proof of how i shouldn’t even be surprised at the least in this situation. but past is past, shall we say? and it was all talk so to me it seemed bad but i got over it. it was all a shadow of the past that i’ve learned to keep in the back of my mind. i learned to live with it.
right now, my father is lying on the bed in front of me reading a magazine beside my mother who is browsing the internet using my laptop. as i type here using my brother’s pc, all i can feel is weariness and a numbing feeling that is starting to grow into hatred. the fact that one of them doesn’t know about this is even more aggravating because i feel like i am betraying the person. and yet i can’t bring myself to say the words. i dread even thinking of what would happen if everyone knew.
i told my aunt. i wanted someone to save me from this. i wanted to erase my existence. i wanted to disappear. i wished i would just explode into nothing. she listened to me as i cried even more, getting frustrated with every second of thinking and talking about the problem. i wanted someone to hold me. i wanted to not be the responsible one; i didn’t want to be the person of strength at this point. my grandma had said that she told me instead of my older sister because she knew i could take it and i wouldn’t react irrationally. i didn’t want to hear that. i wanted to scream, i wanted to shrivel up. i didn’t want to be the background person making sure everything is okay and everything is peaceful on the frontlines. i wanted to be the victim, i wanted to be the child caught in between.
now i feel like a part of me had died and it will never be the same again for me. i can’t bear something of this magnitude alone. i would go crazy. but hey, maybe that isn’t so bad eh? no. it wouldn’t be bad but i have my younger sister to think about. she is not one to keep her emotions at bay. she is someone who can hold onto a grudge if she felt it was justified. i don’t want her to become like that just because of this. i don’t want to dampen the bright sunlight of hope for the rest of the family especially since we’re moving in to a brand new home in a couple of weeks. this isn’t the right time. it will have to remain with me, my aunt and my older sister, whom i have told just yesterday. she was mad but she was silent from the shock, i guess.
tomorrow i am planning to straighten things out a bit. i’m going to see if i can clear things up. i just don’t want to judge against a person when i haven’t heard the other side of the story. even though it’s been confirmed twice now. i still want to know what thought ran through their head when it happened. i want to know how much of a thought they gave about the entire family. i want to know how much of a thought they gave about…
silent grieving tears are running down my face right now. i thought i would be past this stage already but i guess i am still hurting from it. i wish god would keep everyone unharmed by this gigantic trial. i don’t know what sort of action to take just yet. i still need guidance with this but i don’t know where i can turn to if i’m not even allowed to tell anyone in case the family becomes the talk of the town, shall we say. i just want all of it to end. i want it to end.