A Vivid Memory

“who killed the grasshopper on my grass? who stole the gold from the lady goldenhair? was it you, was it you, little fairy? or is it you, is it you, death?” …”jump with joy, jump with fear, jump with everything you feel… soon you’ll reach the moon and feel nothing…aheeheehee..!”

it seems like i’ve lost. but never once in my life have i ever admitted that to myself. i never lose. never. it isn’t in me to lose. it isn’t right for me to lose. i was never meant to lose. that’s what i’ve always believed. but right now i find it hard not to say that i’ve lost. after all these years of seeing my goals through and through, this one little obstacle comes into my path and i stumble. i stumble over a little piece of rock stuck in the ground, hidden from my sight… should i stand up again? should i just lay there and wait for the rain to come?

the shadows pass over my face, moving forward, leaving me behind. i stare at their human-like shapes, wanting to be one of them but the heaviness deep inside me denies me that wish…

how can i save myself? how can i save myself when all i can see is darkness now? the sun gave up on me and i let myself down. soon the darkness will seep into my bones and freeze my soul. no longer will i feel the pain. no longer will i cry these tears. no longer will i live the life that i’ve made for myself.

how cruel, how cruel can a short span of simple seconds slip so savagely, sending sorrow singing sighs into the tumbling threads of my heavy heart? how cold, how cold can a word whisper woes wrongfully into my meandering mind, making me more miserable?

the rain would touch my face. a pitiful caress from an unseen, unfeeling friend. warm tears dissolve into the coldness of the rain drops touching my skin. wet, so wet. drowning would soon follow. as soon as the heaven had cried out to the land to save the poor pitiful creature lying on the ground. water everywhere, water deep inside. i cannot cry anymore because the heaven cried for me. i cannot live anymore because the shadows lived for me.

“Would you say goodbye, my pretty? would you say bye? hello, hello, hello, i would say! welcome to my company: the company of the terrible laughter! aheeheehee…!” … “should i leave you to burn away or accompany you to freeze to your end? it is all up to you. it was always up to you and no one else…”

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that was written on January 2007. That was the year i had to drop my clinical. i’m such a weirdo, aren’t i? getting all emotional over school. i guess one could only understand if they went through the same situation as i did; getting noticed by family only because i always did good in school. it was the light that i used to hang on to like a puppy to its master. that was how i was before, until my eyes were opened to the truth and i no longer cared for what they thought of me. i’m not saying i hated them–although i did for quite a while back then–but i learned more about myself and finally became independent of them. i could do what i want without worrying about what they would say. it was freeing, to say the least. i’m hoping i will keep learning about myself and my family as i grow.

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