Gloomy & Tired

i rarely cry. there’s only a very few specific matters that would make me cry and that is why i rarely do. today, i just want to cry. i’m not crying, but i want to. for some reason, things are just piling up on top of everything. i don’t know what to do, i don’t know what to think anymore. i just want to escape it all. evrerything i hear is just full of depressing things. one thing i can’t avoid is to be dragged into the family’s issues right now. i’m not saying i don’t want to be a part of it, i can’t help it. but it’s a little too much for just me to handle. right now, i am the highest paying family member right now, and with everyone’s bills, of course i feel guilty letting them get into debt and stuff. but now i’m the one who’s getting in debt since i can hardly pay my credit cards because i give most of my paycheck to my parents. the stress of it all is a little too much. on top of everything, my older cousin is borrowing money from me. i feel guilty knowing that i make money and she doesn’t (she’s still finishing school) so i promised i’d lend her money from my next paycheck, meanwhile that makes me quite short for a payment that i’m currently covering (me and my siblings were originally supposed to divide this payment between ourselves) because my sister and my brother are still in school and their part time jobs aren’t doing much. they help with gas, autopac, groceries, while i help with the big bills. it is definitely been a trying year for all of us, and it seemed to have been recently creeping up more and more on all of us. i had to be quite stern with my cousin that she pay it back immediately, even by bits as long as she does it as soon as possible. everything is just too much for me at this point. i know i have to figure out a way to get more income and save up and budget and all that stuff, but i’m so tired of being the only one among my siblings who is truly worrying and trying to think ahead about this all. even with everyone’s bills piling up, i managed to save some, just because i know someone in the family will need it. it happened before so i’m sure it’ll be no surprise it if happened again soon. it was always me, bailing someone out. and of course i originally intend to save money to help with my personal goals, but half of me knows it will never be used for that purpose. LOL, sometimes, i just want someone to bail me out too. but i know that i can only rely on myself at this point. because everybody else in the family doesn’t have the means to help themselves right now. you know what i truly want to do? right now, i want to run, hide and just leave all of these depressing issues behind. i’m normally a positive person, but when the world feel so heavy like this, it sucks the life right out of me. the whole thing takes lot of effort and i’m tired of putting all my effort and never getting any real results. Somehow, i know it’ll work out but the question is when will it happen? the thought of any more of this for another year is causing my stress levels to go up higher than before. i’ve lost 10 pounds in a matter of two months and i can hardly gain it back. at this point, i don’t want to get sick because i know i need to keep moving in order to even get our whole situation to stay barely stable. Lord knows, I’m doing my best to address all these things. Wish me and family luck, everyone.

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