I Need More Sunshine

It’s that time again. The never ending nags and self-doubting thoughts are here once more. Honestly, I can’t wait for summer. At least, with the sun always shining, I would feel less crummy. I know I shouldn’t focus on the negative, but how can you blame me? This issue has been long going on since 2010. Two full years already and I’m barely keeping my sanity. It’s a good thing that I’m surrounded by good people (well, mostly).

Staying positive is getting harder at this point when the people I trust are full of disappointing news. Two in a span of 3 weeks. By the second set of bad news, I was in tears. I was frustrated to say the least. I had no energy to be mad and rage about like I did during the first one. I’m setting goals and trying to keep track of everything, but I can’t always be the answer to every problem. It’s exhausting and it’s making me pull away from everybody. I feel sorry for someone and I don’t know how harder life has to be for someone else to realize that it’s time to straighten up. Look around and see that everything is not all peachy. I wish they would take time to notice how awful this is for those of us that are really pulling that weight. It  all seems like a game to them. And all the effort that I see are all talk and no action. So it’s hard for me to see the truth in those words at this point. My priorities changed when the situation changed. And yet they never even cared. My priorities changed again so I can make sure they stay in good standing for the price of neglecting my needs. Putting people you love first is a good thing, right? Then why do I feel so betrayed and cheated? Trusting them is instinct but trusting them to do the right thing is hard, especially since these past couple of years. Mistakes are there for us to learn from; they’re not there so you can excuse yourself by saying, ‘I’m human, I make mistakes.’ That doesn’t solve the problem we’re all in.

Putting in my absolute 101% on this and someone else thinks it’s ok to slack off is not what I had in mind when we all agreed to ‘get through this together.’ It’s not fair, but that’s not a valid arguement; life ISN’T fair, and I’ve known that fact ever since I developed self-awareness (LOL so dramatic, eh?). The only thing I ask from you people is put in the same effort I do in this. Help the rest of us with the weight and be a part of it, rather than being a freeloader. When are you going to grow up and accept responsibility?

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