Sorry, if this blog seemed neglected for quite a bit of time; I’ve been busy getting out in the sun and enjoying it! Where I live, March has never been this warm!! I’m not wearing my winter jacket anymore, which says a lot. Another thing is that I’ve been kind of hung up on a couple of things: (1) my finances and (2) my sister’s school stuff. Let me tell you, bearing the thought that I might be in debt for a number of years due to issues that aren’t mine–(ie) paying a family member’s credit cards or else he’ll be brought to court–well, it’s not a very nice feeling to have all the time. I’m trying to focus on my decisions for myself in the near future (which is the next couple of years) and I can’t even visualize what’ll happen because of what’s happening around me. I feel like I should go away and leave all this stuff behind. But what does that make me? I would be abandoning them, all for my own selfish reasons. Yet I also know that all these years, I’ve done nothing but help them in their times of need. That’s when I start telling myself that I need to think of myself. But at the same time, it’s not that easy.
Then there’s my sister. I’m very worried she might not make it through university at the way she’s doing things. She leaves papers until the night before to do it and hands them in without getting me or my brother to check it, which I specifically tell her to do because I know how she is with editing stuff. To tell the truth, she doesn’t know how to write a university level paper and it seems to me that she could care less about the formatting. I try not to be pissed when I ask her how her studying is going or what mark she got on the paper or her quiz. Always disappointing results. I instructed her plenty of times to tell any of us if she doesn’t understand anything with regards to her courses, but the day she would actually do that has yet to come. She has a bit of an attitude when it comes to critizing her and at one point she even told me, “I’m not you.” That hurt. I know what she means and I understand; I’m more of a future-oriented person and she’s more of a go-with-the-flow type. However, this doesn’t mean she’s allowed to slack and get more F’s than I’ve ever seen in my whole academic life. I’m not sure she gets the fact that everyone is worried for her and that’s why we are always nagging her about school stuff. I wonder if she even has a sense of responsibility in herself because seeing how she does her studies, it makes me think she just does it because she thinks that’s what she has to do. I mean, when I went to school, I felt that it was my road to my future; an opportunity and a privilege that was mine. I felt that it was my job to do good in school so I know I will be fine in the future. Yet she goes to school, hardly having any idea of what she really wants and doesn’t really think school is a big deal, like it’s just something she has to go through. It astounds me how she can just keep doing this. Her goals in life like to do photography and draw or be an artist is understandable (I have the same goals, but it’s not limited to these) but dreaming about it is not gonna get her any closer to that.
I went to Nursing because back in high school, my parents wanted me to study Medicine and be a doctor. It’s still an option to me right now, but I’ve gotten sick of school for a bit so I’m working now and probably for a couple more years before I think about it again. My other goals in life: to be a writer, a chef, an interior designer, to learn other languages, to play an instrument. They’re all there still, I do what I can in my spare time that I don’t work or help my sister with her tests and essays. Every now and again, I would add a page or two to some of my stories and then some times learn half a song on the piano or re-read phrases in Japanese that I’ve learnt and soon forgotten. They’re always there, in the back of my mind, springing forward when my mind isn’t stressing about something.
I know my sister isn’t the same as me, but her obvious lack of effort is dusturbing. We are at a point where I need to check on her situation every other day just to get an idea of what’s happening in her school or to see if the essay we started a couple of weeks ago got any progress (surprise, surprise, it’s still the same as we started and it’s due in two days). It’s hard for me and even harder on my mom because she now feels she lacked in terms of watching over my sister. See what I mean when I say it’s not that easy to start thinking about myself? I have these things to worry about and I’m not the kind of person to just leave her alone and let her fail and end up working at a retail store (even though, I’ve said that aloud to my mom–it’s all that frustration talking LOL). So I hope the summer brings good things that’ll help cheer me up. =)