The year 2015 is almost done! This is probably one of the rockiest, craziest year for me… There’s been trouble with family and with myself lol. Over the summer, the family wasn’t very much like a family and family being my number 1 priority, it was hard on my soul, my heart and my mind. It was always there, I could never really put it in the back of my mind no matter how hard I tried. The issue at hand has been around for years, ever since I was a little girl and I’ve always urged my mom to just get a divorce since she didn’t seem happy anymore. But she always had excuses. And for me, I had enough of trying to pretend like everything was okay. I found a way to distract myself and I started meeting people from online and dating them. It was short lived but it did the job. I was worry free for a good three months; the entire summer. Of course, meeting those people didn’t come without any signs of trouble and I somehow overlooked that from my wanting to at least not be thinking about my family troubles at the moment. So I kept on going, knowing in the back of my mind that I would be fairly disappointed at the end, but I thought that would be a fairly small price to pay in the long run. Which eventually did get to that point. I shed a tear or two, was missing the guy then hating the guy, back and forth for a good month or so. Then I told myself, enough with the self pity. It’s time for me to re-prioritize my life again. Having been distracted long enough from my family issues gave me a sort of outsider look to the entire thing and I figured, I really have to get away from the life-sucking environment at home. And so that’s how I got to this point. Now, I had all my ducks in a row and for a good three months and I realized I still had my dating profile. I had to log back in to delete the damn thing and of course, the moment you log in, you are met with a barrage of messages from X number of guys. I was fairly confident I didn’t want to date anyone at the time so I looked through them and was mostly replying to the most entertaining messages. This one guy scared the hell out of me and said there was another account that had my pictures. He couldn’t send me pics through the app and so I gave him my fake phone number so he could send me a snapshot of the account. I was laughing so much but I was kinda annoyed he got my fake number. It wasn’t even my pictures; it was a totally different girl. I bugged him about his eyes needing to be corrected lol. Long story short, I am now dating this guy. I like him but at the same time, I’m wary coz of how sneaky he can get. Not really expecting much out of it, but he is a lot of fun to talk to. We’ll see what the new year brings. Happy New Year everyone!!
Ah, moving on to the good rant.. haha! Ok so, just last month, I got accepted to work at a cardiac surgery unit and I’m just finishing my orientation. One last shift, a night shift, and then I’ll be on my own! Exciting and scary at the same time! It’s interesting how the unit works and I have to say this (not in a demeaning way), they are very anal about things. Haha but understand that we are dealing with the heart and lungs so of course you have to be anal. Do you want staff that just chillaxes and doesn’t pay attention to lab work, to the slightest changes in heart rate or rhythm? I don’t think so, not on a unit like this. So anyways, being anal means I have to retrain myself into working at such a pace to cover all the different bases, and there are lots to cover (compared to my general surgery unit)! So for now, i’m very grateful for the 12hour shifts, it doesn’t make me run around like a chicken with the head cut off.. Although, I’ve had a few shifts like that recently lol. So bottom line is, I’m glad for the change, the new challenges of this new environment and the pleasant new people that I’m meeting everyday. It’s fun even though it’s a bit stressful. I needed something to take my mind off things, and this is working perfectly. I’m not as exhaustively stressed about the other things and this work stress is a healthy sort of stress; makes me want to do better each day. I’m gonna study after this actually, need to review all the heart meds and such. So wish me luck, and ciao for now! 🙂
Oh, the feels. Today, I woke up feeling hungry and in great need of shower. I opened my eyes to a dull brightness and I could already guess the weather wasn’t as sunny as I’d like it to be. It’s a Sunday and my mom had wanted to go to church, but since she is still fast asleep–tired from working 12 hours yesterday–I let her sleep and I sit in front of my computer. Days like these, I feel like I have to be productive. And I think, hey maybe I can add a chapter or two to my main goal for this year: the mermaid story. But I know I haven’t written anything on my blog for a long, long time so here I am. 🙂
So what have I been up to lately, you ask? Well, being busy at work leaves me with a very slim time frame to actually do things that actually give me pleasure (i.e.) writing, reading, playing Starcraft 2, watching my fave shows, etc… And yet yesterday, at the start of my week off (Yes, I’m on vacation with nowhere to go), I started playing Don’t Starve again. I wrote a post about it before, search it because for some reason, I can’t put the link on here.
Now there is a new update and I thought, eh I don’t play it that often so I didn’t want to buy it off of Steam. Then I saw that it contained 2 new characters to play and so, of course, I go ahead and buy it out of curiosity. Guess what? This game just got a lot harder!! The newest update is called “Reign of Giants” and the new seasons have new bosses, which drives me nuts coz I’m too much of a coward to try and kill them when they spawn. I run around hoping they’re too slow to follow me but I hate it when they break my stuff/bases (I’m talking to you, Deerclops).
Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, I shouldn’t play this game today after all the time I’ve spent playing as Wigfrid yesterday–which was so much fun–and instead I should be working on my stories! Oh,I know I’ve neglected most of them especially this year since I make a promise to focus on the mermaid story this year. I’ve actually gotten the introduction. Now, it’s a matter of picking where the story is going in each subplot. It annoys me that I can think of the story clear as day but I have such a hard time typing it out when it comes to the detail work. Imagination needs to run in overdrive but then I get a headache.. LOL. Well, time to get started then.. but first, off to the kitchen to find some nourishment!
Well, since it’s been so long since I’ve updated my stories, I’ve finally decided to stick to one and work it until it’s finished. I used to love re-reading my stories, revisiting the various worlds I’ve known for so long but I was always scared to touch them even at their unfinished stage. To me, the words had to be perfect otherwise, it wouldn’t feel right. ARGHH! I’ve been in that stage for almost 3 years now! I’ve only managed to add a page or two here and there but that’s as far I got! I blamed it on my lack of reading lately, but who was I kidding? So! Now, you’ve all had a sneak peek at one particular story of mine, The Mermaid Story (no, that’s not going to be the final title of the story).
Like I said in my previous introductory posts about this story, I’ve actually finished the main plot line of this story. It’s the details that are hard to put to it because of some issues (i.e.) how to make mermaids talk, and do the animals talk in words or no, etc. Now with my fourth year of procrastinating, I’ve finally made up my mind to write out this story. It’s been a rough start, with the images of how the story should go a certain way interfering with my processing for details. However, with that said, my writer’s block is finally gone and I’m proud to say that the story now has a new introduction, and along the way, I’ve conjured up new characters as well. I feel as though they’ll be crowded with so many crews throughout the story, but I’ll make it work. 🙂 So far, my inspiration comes from Boyzone’s songs. LOL! I know; it’s weird. Don’t ask me why, but it just lulls me into my fantasy world and keeps me there. Pray that at the last day of the year 2014, the story will be finished because it’s my present to my sister and my best friend. I don’t want to give them an unfinished present.
After thinking about why I’m such a weirdo, look what I found while I was browsing in the bookstore: Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. For the longest time, ever since I’ve noticed that when I was younger, I was always so shy and quiet when it comes to socializing. I’m fine if you leave me with family and stuff, but the moment I know I have to deal with someone new.. I’m already comparing myself in my brain to how the other kids (my close cousins) react to those kinds of people. I was never quick to like someone enough or trust someone enough to be spontaneous around them. I alway measure, measure, measure. I’m gauging their actions, their words, and how other people react to them. I always thought of my younger self as an outsider; always observing, barely participating. It literally felt like I was watching life happen in front of me. I’m actually very thankful for that because I learned (and I’m still learning) a lot through watching and listening to others; it made me more conscious of good and bad decisions, of personal opinions and intentions. It was eye-opening to live that way and yet at the same time, it felt like there was an invisible barrier between me and the life around me. It felt like I was poring over every small detail and because of it, I was failing to actually live life the way everybody else around me were living.
Since I started reading Cain’s book, I realized that this is how I am and it’s ok to be like this. I am an introvert. It’s very liberating to finally be at ease with myself. I used to feel so bad for declining invitations to socials and parties and even just to hang out. I get stressed out even with just the thought of having to spend hours with random people that I don’t truly know and having to talk and talk and talk. And talk about what? ‘Oh, your nails are so nice. Where’d you get it done?’ I honestly find it hard to start conversations, because I don’t usually care about those things, and when finally (after 20 minutes lol) someone gets to a good topic, I can’t help but want to listen and absorb the useful information. To everybody else, I know I come out quiet, but to me, it’s just that if I don’t have anything useful to contribute, I’m not inclined to talk. You should see me try, though! I can pretend to be an extrovert to some extent! And at some level of comfortability (often with family and close friends), I am totally at ease with spending an outrageous amount of energy, and if the situation calls for it, I can try to emulate this version on myself towards other people. This is also good because let’s face it, our society favours the bold and the outgoing.
Just thinking about the extroverts around here is tiring me out, hahaha! I do try every now and then, and I’m slow to get myself worked-up for these things. If a friends asks me out of nowhere to hangout later that day; the first emotion I feel is dread because I was looking forward to a quiet night of reading, or just staying at home. LOL When I was younger and I didn’t know any better, I blamed my mom for letting me grow up so quiet; I had associated my quietness to her strictly authoritative disciplinarian style (“I rule, you follow… Or else!”) and I even started thinking I was anti-social or a hermit. But now after absorbing most of the book, I now know, the “buzz” for the extroverts are just not the same level required by the introverts. In the book, Cain shows that if extroverts need a party to get that happy feeling, then introverts need a long walk by the beach. The difference is that extroverts are into “jumping into” an activity and introverts are into “analyzing the activity.”
It’s really interesting when I see a friend of mine who is always ‘Go, go, go!’ kind of a person and they tell me that if they’re stuck at home (let’s say the car broke down) for a day, he/she would not know what to do with themselves. I have a lot of interests that keep me busy even though technically I’m only at home. For example, I write, I study languages, I read, and I draw, etc. That extroverted friend of mine thinks I just sit at home and lounge but that couldn’t be farther from the truth; I hate the feeling of being bored. When I’m not productive in anyway and not accomplishing anything, no matter how small, I get restless and I go find something to do. It’s just I find that I recharge my energy better when I don’t have to deal with so many people all at once.
What about you? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? =)
I know as a fact that, at work, I half talk in my brain and with my mouth so sometimes, things don’t come out as clearly as I think they are coming out. Why talk about this, you might ask? Because it took me a while to finally accept the truth. My co-workers find it weird, how I talk to them, but they are so nice that not a lot of them mention it. Hahaha! I usually notice when the face or faces of whoever I was talking to becomes blank or confused. Then I have to explain it again, but this time, consciously making sure that what I say in my brain, also comes out verbally. It’s happened a few times, and I’ve gotten enough “What?” asked right back at me to know that I talk weird at work. I don’t know why, but I do. I have a feeling it’s because when I talk, I also analyze the other things going on around me and so instead of focusing on the conversation and the words, half of me is absorbed in the commentary that’s going on in my head about (i.e.) the other person’s non-verbal communication, or their eyebrows aren’t plucked properly or there’s a faint hint of bad breath from this one, or I’m reprimanding myself for staring only at one eye of that person during the whole conversation and I’m trying to find a way to move my eyes but not make it weird so that I’m now staring only at the other eye . See? My brain works weird; it notices quite a bit.
It doesn’t help me either because I lose part of the conversation and I, in turn, have to ask “Pardon me?” since my brain was processing something else besides the conversation at hand. Which makes me look like a total weirdo all the same.
And so I’ve learned to somehow to block off bigger distractions, which can sometimes be good but also bad on the other hand. Sometimes, I can totally ignore someone calling me from across the hall, because I trained my ears to focus on things only close to me. This is so that I don’t pay attention to unnecessary stuff that would potentially distract me, but as you can probably tell, it has it’s bad sides. I can tell you a bunch of examples, but honestly, it’s super embarrassing so I won’t. Instead, I will tell you that this weird way of dealing with the world absolutely sucks.
LOL. So far, it’s only gotten me out of situations where random people would be staring (ie) in malls, and I would see them and feel awkward because they’re staring. That much I’ve managed to block out. You know how when you feel like someone’s watching you and you involuntarily look that way, you find that person? Well, if it’s a weirdo (as in suspicious looking people) or even if it’s just a regular Joe, it feels weird. Then I start acting like a robot in hopes of making them stop staring. Believe me, it gets very uncomfortable. But this part, I’ve already figured out how to deal with; it’s when I’m at work that is hard to fix. LOL! I’ll let you know if I get any better.
Have you seen the movie from 1999 with Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci? I love that movie! That is why I was intrigued by the new 2013 series also called the same name. Just finished watching the first episode and so far it has everything I liked about that story: fantasy, a little bit of horror to make you jump in your seat every now and again, a new twist to the plot, and of course, good looking characters! LOL Watch it and you’ll see what I mean!
The story starts off with Ichabod Crane being woken up from his death and finds himself in the future/present time. There’s a lieutenant who becomes, sort of his ally, in this ‘crusade’ to stop the headless horseman from doing whatever he wants to do (I can’t say any more otherwise, I’ll ruin the surprise/new twist in the story). So far, I’m absolutely loving it! If they keep up the same equation of just the right amounts of all those things that I like, I’ll be watching this like an addict. Just a note, with the headless horseman waking up from a different time line, I was initially surprised at how easily he seemed to adapt to everything (he knew how to use modern weapons–or should I say, learned how to use them pretty quickly!)… But close the end of the pilot episode, you’ll understand why when they reveal more about him. 🙂
What I also noticed about the show, is that it has a very cinematic feel, as though I’m watching a movie, almost. Which just adds to the allure of the show. Reminds me of a sci-fi thriller action movie kind of effect. So! If you haven’t watched it yet, go do it now!!