Gotta Pass!

LOL. I’m in a course again, but this is mandatory to work in my new cardiac surgery unit. I’ve been working there for 6 months now and so here I am, studying again. Well, on a break, really since I’m writing on here.. Exam is on Wednesday! Three days to finish up :/ So far, managing pretty good with the notes. Doing more rhythm strips today and still tonight! It gets confusing if I keep at it for long periods of time so I time quite a few breaks in (long enough for a movie sometimes lol). *Sigh* Life, eh? On the other hand, me, my bestie and my sister did a little “transformation station” thing a couple weeks back, with a general purpose to uncover and address some of our own bad habits.

My bestie and I had a few drinks and my sister wanted to go for a drive so I said, ok I’ll go if she drove (coz she was the only sober one lol). It went rather weirdly. Found out stuff that I sort of suspected already and some things that were way out there. So my bestie thought the growing craziness in me was brought on by my recent guy problems (yes, the guy I started dating turned out to be a player; surprise, surprise) but when I told her that was completely wrong, I had to explain all over again what I had mentioned to her right before I finished it with the guy. And then I was right in suspecting she was getting irritated or affected by it quite a bit; I told her I could tell. I’m pretty observant and the slight changes were: she was getting offended easily, and getting restless, also being slightly distant. I won’t specify; but I noticed because we’ve been friends for over 10 years now lol so I can tell.. I just didn’t show her that I noticed, which kinda hurt but I knew there was a reason for it so I tried not to take it personally.

I’m telling you, this drive and talk therapy thing was working (I had a bit to drink too but I wasn’t driving! I was lolling around in the back seat). And then I also found out she sort of grudged against having to take care of her brother when she was young and I can see why; missing her childhood like that must’ve been hard too. She coped pretty good though, and learned to let go of things much faster than I did. I still hold some anger towards my parents and every time I see them, it’s triggered at the back of my mind.

Then the most interesting thing to try to deal with was my sister’s issue. Oh, man, was that a can of worms or what! She tells us that she’s tired of feeling like the scapegoat of the family and having all her failures rubbed in her face ever so often. I apologized for everyone who’s done that to her (most of the family, really) and said I would tell them to stop if that bothered her the most. She was crying as though someone died, that’s how bad it was. Then she wouldn’t listen to what I say and kept repeating the same thing over and over. So I tried several approaches to get her to see another point of view (as to why we were “always hounding” her or always on her about her homework and stuff for school). It actually gave me a headache, because I started crying coz I felt bad that she felt like that and then having to explain and re-explain myself over and over again was getting tiresome. There was a point where I thought nothing I say will get through anyway, so I might as well give up. But I didn’t. We kept going until I was sure she didn’t feel so bad anymore. Could not have done it without my bestie being the middleman/referee when my voice started getting desperate lol. We tried to address a lot of things she mentioned, but it all comes down to what she learns from it, if she’ll take any of the advice we gave her and if she’ll actually start thinking about consequences of her decisions. We’ll have to wait and see..

 

Almost There

The year 2015 is almost done! This is probably one of the rockiest, craziest year for me… There’s been trouble with family and with myself lol. Over the summer, the family wasn’t very much like a family and family being my number 1 priority, it was hard on my soul, my heart and my mind. It was always there, I could never really put it in the back of my mind no matter how hard I tried. The issue at hand has been around for years, ever since I was a little girl and I’ve always urged my mom to just get a divorce since she didn’t seem happy anymore. But she always had excuses. And for me, I had enough of trying to pretend like everything was okay. I found a way to distract myself and I started meeting people from online and dating them. It was short lived but it did the job. I was worry free for a good three months; the entire summer. Of course, meeting those people didn’t come without any signs of trouble and I somehow overlooked that from my wanting to at least not be thinking about my family troubles at the moment. So I kept on going, knowing in the back of my mind that I would be fairly disappointed at the end, but I thought that would be a fairly small price to pay in the long run. Which eventually did get to that point. I shed a tear or two, was missing the guy then hating the guy, back and forth for a good month or so. Then I told myself, enough with the self pity. It’s time for me to re-prioritize my life again. Having been distracted long enough from my family issues gave me a sort of outsider look to the entire thing and I figured, I really have to get away from the life-sucking environment at home. And so that’s how I got to this point. Now, I had all my ducks in a row and for a good three months and I realized I still had my dating profile. I had to log back in to delete the damn thing and of course, the moment you log in, you are met with a barrage of messages from X number of guys. I was fairly confident I didn’t want to date anyone at the time so I looked through them and was mostly replying to the most entertaining messages. This one guy scared the hell out of me and said there was another account that had my pictures. He couldn’t send me pics through the app and so I gave him my fake phone number so he could send me a snapshot of the account. I was laughing so much but I was kinda annoyed he got my fake number. It wasn’t even my pictures; it was a totally different girl. I bugged him about his eyes needing to be corrected lol. Long story short, I am now dating this guy. I like him but at the same time, I’m wary coz of how sneaky he can get. Not really expecting much out of it, but he is a lot of fun to talk to. We’ll see what the new year brings. Happy New Year everyone!!

Work Can be a Little Stressful

I should tell you I’m so happy to be out of my 12 hour full time position. I should be telling you how much time I have now, to spend with my family and friends and let’s not forget  the always necessary ‘me’ time. I should be glorifying the 8 hour position like it is no other. I should tell you how absolutely wonderful this is and how I really appreciate the extra time. Yet, we all know, there’s a counter balance to all those good things coming to me. I guess what I’m trying to say is, even though I really do enjoy my part time position right now, the fact of the matter is, my pay check is a little lacking. Hear me out first before you start thinking I only think about money–because I don’t; as long as I have enough, I’m good. With that said, here’s a break down of my expenses per month: $500 for the student loans, $500 for the house/utility bills, and $400 for my credit card bills and of course I try to save $200 for a car that I will be getting this coming April or May 2013. So far, that is a total of $1600. My bi-weekly pay is less than that amount. And then add the extra expense of getting the house fixed up in the Philippines. So far the last amount I’ve given was $900. I do help with groceries: $250. Let me tell you, I’m stressing out with all this; before, when I was a full-timer, I didn’t worry about this because my pay would cover most of it and I’d still have enough for my savings. OMG! I am telling you, I am so lazy to pick up, but apparently I have no choice if I want that car and I want to save up for the vacation trip on October. Although it’s more fun to be only at work for 8 hours, I still have to go pretty often. Lateley, I’ve been only having 1 day off in between my shifts. I normally have a maximum of 3 days for a stretch, but now, with all my pick ups, I work at least 4 days and I have stretches that are 7 days long. =( I just wanna cry. I can’t enjoy my life. LOL!! Well, technically I’m working so I can enjoy my life, but the day-to-day isn’t as fun when you’re working so often. To me, it feels like I’m only on my break when I’m at home, then at work, it feels like I live there. Boo. That’s never a good thing. Next year, I won’t be doing the same thing. This year has a lot of expenses going on: 1) the trip to New York with my friends, 2) my car and 3) the family trip back to Philippines. See? Expensive stuff. That’s why I’m mentally affirming that I have $20,000 so that iit’ll come true; at least, I’m hoping it will. If I become a workaholic this year, that money will surely happen. BUT! I don’t wanna be a workaholic… hahaha!! I will look for a much better position at work next year. There will be lots to talk about this year, if all goes well. Wish me luck!!

Thoughtless Words Are Fatal

Here we go again. To all the awesome moms out there, this post is probably one of your worst nightmares. I will start with a little background information: my brother is the type of person who is outgoing, confident and can easily get along with other people. He is also, among other negative traits, very easy to deceive. Example: a few years back, the two of us were walking to Safeway when this guy in a random truck stops him and asks him if he wants to buy a sound system, with random reasons of why he was selling it from the back of his truck. Being the ever cautious one, I was already starting to dismiss the guy even before he finished explaining. My number 1 thought:  a stolen system that they’re trying to get money from. So there’s my brother, easily being taken in by how cheap it was ($200) and that it’s brand new and was a 7 or 11 piece set. Then he turns to me and says, “Can I borrow $200 from you? This is a really good deal.”

To clarify, the thing was not a brand name I even recognize. I was appalled; his decision making when it came to sudden purchases, and an expensive one at that, was shocking. I said no, and he still bought it with his own money. I couldn’t believe he brought home that thing. I didn’t say anything because I knew he would get mad at me for questioning his decision. So we get home and surprise, surprise, my parents were livid.

Now that same trait of being unable to think his decisions through has at least three occasions that I know about. The most recent one is this: My cousin calls to tell him that a highschool classmate of theirs is asking her for money (loan) and she asks him if he can loan the guy some money. This is all on speaker phone and my parents could hear the whole thing. After hanging up, my mom tells my brother, “Don’t lend them money, you don’t even know if they’ll ever pay you back.” To which my brother apparently replies, “You guys didn’t pay for my tuition fee.” I guess I can’t explain the context properly, but he was trying to say that they shouldn’t care what he does with his money. (I don’t know why he had to mention the tuition fee at all though; I got student loan to pay for my tuition fees.) This is of course, so hurtful to my mom, who starts screaming at him in anger. Then she started crying.

My mom can easily make me cry, but I don’t think I’ve ever said anything so hurtful to her that she would cry. My brother on the other hand, has done this before, mabe a few times already. It pains me to see that she loves him so much and yet she hardly gets any thought in return. He then rationalized that he’ll eventually pay back my parents for all that they’ve done for us. Wrong. Who says any child can even dream of repaying what their parents did for them? We can all try, but anyway you put it, our parents fed us when we were all crying babies and changed our diapers and lost sleep to comfort us. Can all of us say we would change our parents’ diapers when they become incontinent? Can we say we’d have the patience to deal with our parents who had developed Alzheimer’s or dementia? Most of us would have no time for that and lots of excuses would come out to justify our actions. I don’t understand how my brother could forget the very simple fact: He wouldn’t be alive if not for our parents. I don’t know how he can even think that he doesn’t need parents. Just because he works now, he thinks he’s so awesome, that he’s so independent. He isn’t. He totally lives like a prince at home. Rare would be the time that he would think of helping out around the house. He eats, sleeps and leaves the house to party or to work. He’s like that on repeat. I learned to not mind it because it stresses me out and i know at this point, he isn’t going to change anytime soon. I feel bad for him and at the same time I’m mad at him. He thinks paying them back with money is going to amount to the same thing as taking care of them. Never in my life have I put money as the most important thing to me; it pays the bills, but that’s not the goal of my life. My brother keeps wanting to foster kids (to get more income) in the house so he wants me and him to pay to get the basement finished, but I know that the situation in the house would only get worse. And who decides to foster a child with the thought of getting rich? Am I crazy or is that just plain heartless?

Anyways, I have to sleep now, otherwise this topic will keep bugging me. ‘Til next time. Goodnight.

Mom: Lost and Found

What a crazy time it was… A few nights ago, I was at home on my day off doing pretty much nothing after I’ve cleaned the entire house. Then my friend comes over and we were killing time watching movies and playing on the PS3. By the time it was 6 PM, I started getting something ready for dinner because I knew my mom would be coming home soon. The easiest thing to make: Baked Salmon. So that was done. I was expecting her to come home with my dad but she didn’t. So I thought, ‘Okay, I guess she gets home today at 9 PM instead of  6 PM.’

Now, to clarify her schedule, my mom usually gets home at 2 PM or 6 PM or 9 PM. My dad usually picks her up because by the time he’s back from work, he would’ve had enough time to rest and eat before going to pick her up.

I wasn’t caring much until it was actually 9 PM and my dad was still at home. So I asked him, ‘Aren’t you picking up mom?’ And he said no, she never said to pick her up today  (that means she’ll go home by bus, usually). But then my sister, who was sick and was mostly in bed, happened to come downstairs to eat. Then after hearing me questioning my dad, she piped in, ‘Oh, yeah, she said she’ll be home by 1-2 PM today to make me some soup.’ And I was just confused; it was 9:15 PM already and still nothing. So my dad gets this idea to call After Hours and I had to ask my friend to ask her aunt who works at the same place for the phone number. Then they tell me that my mom was supposed to be done work at 1PM. So I told the guy on the phone my problem and that she hasn’t contacted the house and SHE HAD NO CELLPHONE with her. So he said he’ll try paging her to call our home phone, but in my mind, I just knew she didn’t have her pager on her. She rarely ever brings it because she usually borrows my sister’s phone when she works.

I should also add, that there was a blizzard outside. Looking out the window was scary enough, imagining someone was out there in that cold was worse yet.

So after that phone call was done, it was past 9:30 PM and we were all thinking up possible scenarios about why she hasn’t phoned home when her work was done in the afternoon. Here’s what we collectively came up with:

a.) Her bus broke down. –> Me: But it wouldn’t take the bus company 8+ hours to replace it with another bus. So we scrapped that.

b.) Maybe she was somewhere safe? like the groceries? or casino? –> Me: But why won’t she phone? She usually wants someone to haul her groceries for her. (So this scenario was a little iffy)–> Casino? My dad actually went there (because it was less than a minute from our house) to check it out.

c.) Something happened that she couldn’t get to a phone. –> So far the worst one yet. Kidnapped? Fainted and out cold in the snow? Hospital? (My dad and I called all the hospitals in the city and checked in their emergency center if there was a patient named Jane Doe (obviously not going to put my mom’s name on here).

So after getting nowhere, I decided to call all her friends and unfortunately I also had to bug her clients for the day. When my mom forgets the phone, she calls home using the client’s phone and it stays in our caller ID. We randomly called the three phone numbers and got nowhere. Then I texted my cousins if they’ve seen her today and no dice. One of my cousins said to get her paged in the casino to check. I got this message right as my dad comes home from the casino. I told him he should go back and get her paged, and he said, I looked around and she was nowhere.

After getting no comforting response from all those phone calls, we were starting to panic a bit. So my friend, then my sister said we should go drive around to look for her. This was now 10:45 PM. My brother, me, my sister and my friend all hopped into the car and we drove by Superstore and went down the main street really slow, checking all the bus stops. Then we went to the houses of her clients and knocked and knocked and knocked but nobody would open the door at frikkin’ 11:15 PM. so we called their phones again and my brother said, ‘We are not leaving until they pick up their phones.’ But we got nowhere even after talking to them, just confirmed from one place that she left around 1PM.

My cousins were texting me to unpdate them if we find her, then my brother said to get our dad to phone the police. My dad called me and said that they would dispatch someone to check out where she was at last, which was where we were parked. I started praying silently that she was somewhere safe. We checked and rechecked around the block coz at this point, my brother and I were thinking the worst: he was thinking she fainted and was somewhere on the piles and piles of snow everywhere, and I was thinking she got kidnapped or mugged when she left her client’s place. We were so quiet in the car, you can feel the tension. My friend didn’t know what to say but she gave me a pat and said, ‘She’s okay; she’s smart.’ Which is true, but the fact that my mom didn’t call was very uncharacteristic of her, so of course I was worried. I was trying not to cry at this point.

Then after our last loop around the block, my dad phones at about 12:40 PM to say that my mom phoned. He sounded very mad when I asked him where she was. Guess where? Casino. My dad angrily tells me that the police had come to the house to ask about her right after she called and so he let them know that she was alright. Later on when I asked my dad what they said after hearing that she was in the casino, he told me they said, ‘Oh, she must have won lots of money by now.’

And so we drive to the casino closest to our house because my mom had called to get picked up. The moment I learned she was okay, I was very thankful and the stress started to ebb away. When she got into the car, I was scolding her. When we got to the house, she kept saying sorry and hugging everybody. She said she forgot and when I asked her, she said she first went to the mall and left by 5 PM but forgot to call that she was at the casino (I was thinking the same thing in my mind but I couldn’t be sure, but what she said was good because that was a possibility but I thought it was unlikely, nonetheless). I told her she owed us McDonalds the next day for letting us worry like that. When she learned what we did trying to look for her, she laughed like a maniac and said, ‘Now I know how much you guys love me.’

I Need More Sunshine

It’s that time again. The never ending nags and self-doubting thoughts are here once more. Honestly, I can’t wait for summer. At least, with the sun always shining, I would feel less crummy. I know I shouldn’t focus on the negative, but how can you blame me? This issue has been long going on since 2010. Two full years already and I’m barely keeping my sanity. It’s a good thing that I’m surrounded by good people (well, mostly).

Staying positive is getting harder at this point when the people I trust are full of disappointing news. Two in a span of 3 weeks. By the second set of bad news, I was in tears. I was frustrated to say the least. I had no energy to be mad and rage about like I did during the first one. I’m setting goals and trying to keep track of everything, but I can’t always be the answer to every problem. It’s exhausting and it’s making me pull away from everybody. I feel sorry for someone and I don’t know how harder life has to be for someone else to realize that it’s time to straighten up. Look around and see that everything is not all peachy. I wish they would take time to notice how awful this is for those of us that are really pulling that weight. It  all seems like a game to them. And all the effort that I see are all talk and no action. So it’s hard for me to see the truth in those words at this point. My priorities changed when the situation changed. And yet they never even cared. My priorities changed again so I can make sure they stay in good standing for the price of neglecting my needs. Putting people you love first is a good thing, right? Then why do I feel so betrayed and cheated? Trusting them is instinct but trusting them to do the right thing is hard, especially since these past couple of years. Mistakes are there for us to learn from; they’re not there so you can excuse yourself by saying, ‘I’m human, I make mistakes.’ That doesn’t solve the problem we’re all in.

Putting in my absolute 101% on this and someone else thinks it’s ok to slack off is not what I had in mind when we all agreed to ‘get through this together.’ It’s not fair, but that’s not a valid arguement; life ISN’T fair, and I’ve known that fact ever since I developed self-awareness (LOL so dramatic, eh?). The only thing I ask from you people is put in the same effort I do in this. Help the rest of us with the weight and be a part of it, rather than being a freeloader. When are you going to grow up and accept responsibility?