Rainy Day Blues

Oh, the feels. Today, I woke up feeling hungry and in great need of shower. I opened my eyes to a dull brightness and I could already guess the weather wasn’t as sunny as I’d like it to be. It’s a Sunday and my mom had wanted to go to church, but since she is still fast asleep–tired from working 12 hours yesterday–I let her sleep and I sit in front of my computer. Days like these, I feel like I have to be productive. And I think, hey maybe I can add a chapter or two to my main goal for this year: the mermaid story. But I know I haven’t written anything on my blog for a long, long time so here I am. ūüôā

So what have I been up to lately, you ask? Well, being busy at work leaves me with a very slim time frame to actually do things that actually give me pleasure (i.e.) writing, reading, playing Starcraft 2, watching my fave shows, etc… And yet yesterday, at the start of my week off (Yes, I’m on vacation with nowhere to go), I started playing Don’t Starve again. I wrote a post about it before, search it because for some reason, I can’t put the link on here.

Reign of Giants Update
Reign of Giants Update

Now there is a new update and I thought, eh I don’t play it that often so I didn’t want to buy it off of Steam. Then I saw that it contained 2 new characters to play and so, of course, I go ahead and buy it out of curiosity. Guess what? This game just got a lot harder!! The newest update is called “Reign of Giants” and the new seasons have new bosses, which drives me nuts coz I’m too much of a coward to try and kill them when they spawn. I run around hoping they’re too slow to follow me but I hate it when they break my stuff/bases (I’m talking to you, Deerclops).

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, I shouldn’t play this game today after all the time I’ve spent playing as Wigfrid yesterday–which was so much fun–and instead I should be working on my stories! Oh,I know I’ve neglected most of them especially this year since I make a promise to focus on the mermaid story this year. I’ve actually gotten the introduction. Now, it’s a matter of picking where the story is going in each subplot. It annoys me that I can think of the story clear as day but I have such a hard time typing it out when it comes to the detail work. Imagination needs to run in overdrive but then I get a headache.. LOL. Well, time to get started then.. but first, off to the kitchen to find some nourishment!

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Mom: Lost and Found

What a crazy time it was… A few nights ago, I was at home on my day off doing pretty much nothing after I’ve cleaned the entire house. Then my friend comes over and we were killing time watching movies and playing on the PS3. By the time it was 6 PM, I started getting something ready for dinner because I knew my mom would be coming home soon. The easiest thing to make: Baked Salmon. So that was done. I was expecting her to come home with my dad but she didn’t. So I thought, ‘Okay, I guess she gets home today at 9 PM instead of ¬†6 PM.’

Now, to clarify her schedule, my mom usually gets home at 2 PM or 6 PM or 9 PM. My dad usually picks her up because by the time he’s back from work, he would’ve had enough time to rest and eat before going to pick her up.

I wasn’t caring much until it was actually 9 PM and my dad was still at home. So I asked him, ‘Aren’t you picking up mom?’ And he said no, she never said to pick her up today ¬†(that means she’ll go home by bus, usually). But then my sister, who was sick and was mostly in bed, happened to come downstairs to eat. Then after hearing me questioning my dad, she piped in, ‘Oh, yeah, she said she’ll be home by 1-2 PM today to make me some soup.’ And I was just confused; it was 9:15 PM already and still nothing. So my dad gets this idea to call After Hours and I had to ask my friend to ask her aunt who works at the same place for the phone number. Then they tell me that my mom was supposed to be done work at 1PM. So I told the guy on the phone my problem and that she hasn’t contacted the house and SHE HAD NO CELLPHONE with her. So he said he’ll try paging her to call our home phone, but in my mind, I just knew she didn’t have her pager on her. She rarely ever brings it because she usually borrows my sister’s phone when she works.

I should also add, that there was a blizzard outside. Looking out the window was scary enough, imagining someone was out there in that cold was worse yet.

So after that phone call was done, it was past 9:30 PM and we were all thinking up possible scenarios about why she hasn’t phoned home when her work was done in the afternoon. Here’s what we collectively came up with:

a.) Her bus broke down. –> Me: But it wouldn’t take the bus company 8+ hours to replace it with another bus. So we scrapped that.

b.) Maybe she was somewhere safe? like the groceries? or casino? –> Me: But why won’t she phone? She usually wants someone to haul her groceries for her. (So this scenario was a little iffy)–> Casino? My dad actually went there (because it was less than a minute from our house) to check it out.

c.) Something happened that she couldn’t get to a phone. –> So far the worst one yet. Kidnapped? Fainted and out cold in the snow? Hospital? (My dad and I called all the hospitals in the city and checked in their emergency center if there was a patient named Jane Doe (obviously not going to put my mom’s name on here).

So after getting nowhere, I decided to call all her friends and unfortunately I also had to bug her clients for the day. When my mom forgets the phone, she calls home using the client’s phone and it stays in our caller ID. We randomly called the three phone numbers and got nowhere. Then I texted my cousins if they’ve seen her today and no dice. One of my cousins said to get her paged in the casino to check. I got this message right as my dad comes home from the casino. I told him he should go back and get her paged, and he said, I looked around and she was nowhere.

After getting no comforting response from all those phone calls, we were starting to panic a bit. So my friend, then my sister said we should go drive around to look for her. This was now 10:45 PM. My brother, me, my sister and my friend all hopped into the car and we drove by Superstore and went down the main street really slow, checking all the bus stops. Then we went to the houses of her clients and knocked and knocked and knocked but nobody would open the door at frikkin’ 11:15 PM. so we called their phones again and my brother said, ‘We are not leaving until they pick up their phones.’ But we got nowhere even after talking to them, just confirmed from one place that she left around 1PM.

My cousins were texting me to unpdate them if we find her, then my brother said to get our dad to phone the police. My dad called me and said that they would dispatch someone to check out where she was at last, which was where we were parked. I started praying silently that she was somewhere safe. We checked and rechecked around the block coz at this point, my brother and I were thinking the worst: he was thinking she fainted and was somewhere on the piles and piles of snow everywhere, and I was thinking she got kidnapped or mugged when she left her client’s place. We were so quiet in the car, you can feel the tension. My friend didn’t know what to say but she gave me a pat and said, ‘She’s okay; she’s smart.’ Which is true, but the fact that my mom didn’t call was very uncharacteristic of her, so of course I was worried. I was trying not to cry at this point.

Then after our last loop around the block, my dad phones at about 12:40 PM to say that my mom phoned. He sounded very mad when I asked him where she was. Guess where? Casino. My dad angrily tells me that the police had come to the house to ask about her right after she called and so he let them know that she was alright. Later on when I asked my dad what they said after hearing that she was in the casino, he told me they said, ‘Oh, she must have won lots of money by now.’

And so we drive to the casino closest to our house because my mom had called to get picked up. The moment I learned she was okay, I was very thankful and the stress started to ebb away. When she got into the car, I was scolding her. When we got to the house, she kept saying sorry and hugging everybody. She said she forgot and when I asked her, she said she first went to the mall and left by 5 PM but forgot to call that she was at the casino (I was thinking the same thing in my mind but I couldn’t be sure, but what she said was good because that was a possibility but I thought it was unlikely, nonetheless). I told her she owed us McDonalds the next day for letting us worry like that. When she learned what we did trying to look for her, she laughed like a maniac and said, ‘Now I know how much you guys love me.’

Summer is Nearly Here, Things Hopefully May Change

Sorry, if this blog seemed neglected for quite a bit of time; I’ve been busy getting out in the sun and enjoying it! Where I live, March has never been this warm!! I’m not wearing my winter jacket anymore, which says a lot. Another thing is that I’ve been kind of hung up on a couple of things: (1) my finances and (2) my sister’s school stuff. Let me tell you, bearing the thought ¬†that I might be in debt for a number of years due to issues that aren’t mine–(ie) paying a family member’s credit cards or else he’ll be brought to court–well, it’s not a very nice feeling to have all the time. I’m trying to focus on my decisions for myself in the near future (which is the next couple of years) and I can’t even visualize what’ll happen because of what’s happening around me. I feel like I should go away and leave all this stuff behind. But what does that make me? I would be abandoning them, all for my own selfish reasons. Yet I also know that all these years, I’ve done nothing but help them in their times of need. That’s when I start telling myself that I need to think of myself. But at the same time, it’s not that easy.

Then there’s my sister. I’m very worried she might not make it through university at the way she’s doing things. She leaves papers until the night before to do it and hands them in without getting me or my brother to check it, which I specifically tell her to do because I know how she is with editing stuff. To tell the truth, she doesn’t know how to write a university level paper and it seems to ¬†me that she could care less about the formatting. I try not to be pissed when I ask her how her studying is going or what mark she got on the paper or her quiz. Always disappointing results. I instructed her plenty of times to tell any of us if she doesn’t understand anything with regards to her courses, but the day she would actually do that has yet to come. She has a bit of an attitude when it comes to critizing her and at one point she even told me, “I’m not you.” That hurt. I know what she means and I understand; I’m more of a future-oriented person and she’s more of a go-with-the-flow type. However, this doesn’t mean she’s allowed to slack and get more F’s than I’ve ever seen in my whole academic life. I’m not sure she gets the fact that everyone is worried for her and that’s why we are always nagging her about school stuff. I wonder if she even has a sense of responsibility in herself because seeing how she does her studies, it makes me think she just does it because she thinks that’s what she has to do. I mean, when I went to school, I felt that it was my road to my future; an opportunity and a privilege that was mine. I felt that it was my job to do good in school so I know I will be fine in the future. Yet she goes to school, hardly having any idea of what she really wants and doesn’t really think school is a big deal, like it’s just something she has to go through. It astounds me how she can just keep doing this. Her goals in life like to do photography and draw or be an artist is understandable (I have the same goals, but it’s not limited to these) but dreaming about it is not gonna get her any closer to that.

I went to Nursing because back in high school, my parents wanted me to study Medicine and be a doctor. It’s still an option to me right now, but I’ve gotten sick of school for a bit so I’m working now and probably for a couple more years before I think about it again. My other goals in life: to be a writer, a chef, an interior designer, to learn other languages, to play an instrument. They’re all there still, I do what I can in my spare time that I don’t work or help my sister with her tests and essays. Every now and again, I would add a page or two to some of my stories and then some times learn half a song on the piano or re-read phrases in Japanese that I’ve learnt and soon forgotten. They’re always there, in the back of my mind, springing forward when my mind isn’t stressing about something.

I know my sister isn’t the same as me, but her obvious lack of effort is dusturbing. We are at a point where I need to check on her situation every other day just to get an idea of what’s happening in her school or to see if the essay we started a couple of weeks ago got any progress (surprise, surprise, it’s still the same as we started and it’s due in two days). It’s hard for me and even harder on my mom because she now feels she lacked in terms of watching over my sister. See what I mean when I say it’s not that easy to start thinking about myself? I have these things to worry about and I’m not the kind of person to just leave her alone and let her fail and end up working at a retail store (even though, I’ve said that aloud to my mom–it’s all that frustration talking LOL). So I hope the summer brings good things that’ll help cheer me up. =)

I Hate Perverted Old Men

yes. i think most of you would agree, especially if you’re a girl. one day, i was on the bus and it got really rainy, like out of nowhere, a big gush of rain just came down. i had no umbrella, no raincoat so of course, i was wondering how i could get off the bus and into the McDonald’s without getting too wet. I pulled my stop and ran. it wasn’t long, just a few feet until the doors to the restaurant and i could hear from behind me that some people were running too. i stopped so i can open the door, but the person who stopped behind me stopped too close and hit my ass. i looked back, disgust on my face and the old man was like, “Oh, i’m sorry. i’m sorry.” I didn’t say anything, and i went in, then he followed me in and did it again!!! The bastard! Now i looked back at him really mean this time and he was like, “I’m so sorry. i’m really sorry.” I wanted to punch him in the face, but he had another guy with him and i didn’t wanna get killed. so i just opened the next door and waited. he was like, “After you,” NOT IN HELL was i going in there first with him following behind me. so i stood there and said “No, you go ahead.” I let them in first and after that, i sat in the farthest corner away from the freaks. I wish all those pervs would just go away and not bother anybody.

Using Tink for a Character Name is Scary…

so anyways, here i am making good time in studying my course materials for monday’s test. woohoo!!! am i pumped to study this or what?? lol, but seriously i understand this better than i thought i would… i realized that i often daydream or space out during class and miss almost all of the most important lecture points. damn you, overactive brain. lol so with a bit more reigning over my mind, and what do i get super easy studying times =) damn, it feels good let me tell ya.. better than i expected. it seriously goes along with my best clinical year as well. so now i will rest and wake up early ready to face the COPD notes and onto the Dysrhythmias and Heart Failure ¬†and Coronary Artery Disease. so wish me luck and good karma will smile down upon your kind hearts. seriously, wish me luck.

and also is Tink a name no can ever use again just because Disney owns the original fairy character? what if i use it as a nickname for my own character [not a fairy, just a 12 year old girl] within my own story? will i lose originality? will that be plagiarism? but how could you plagiarize a name? how do you lose originality using a name that someone else used? i mean, the entire population has loads of Tinas, Kimberleys, Michelles, and Janets. is tink an exception to that rule? but i seriously i know someone who actually has the nickname ‘Tinkay” [if you are filipino, then you would know not to read ‘kay’ as /kay/ but read it as/kai/.. lol i just disclosed my ethnicity right there]. anyways, feel free to speak your mind on this ‘Tink’ matter; i’m totally at a loss whether to keep using the name or completely abandon it.

Dearest

i have never been more¬†sorrowful for my family in my whole life. experiencing a scandal firsthand is indeed a heavy burden. the moment i found out about it–which was two days ago–at first, i thought, i should have known this would happen. but as my grandma explained more, i realized that it was more than i could bear. i was disgusted, afraid, angry, sad, and i didn’t know what to do. i cried more and more when my grandma explained to me how the misdeed happened. to be honest, the saying, history repeats itself is proof of how i shouldn’t even be surprised at the least in this situation. but past is past, shall we say? and it was all talk so to me it seemed bad but i got over it. it was all a shadow of the past that i’ve learned to keep in the back of my mind. i learned to¬†live with it.

right now, my father is lying¬†on the¬†bed in front of me reading a magazine beside my mother who is browsing the internet using my laptop. as i type here using my brother’s pc, all i can feel is weariness and a numbing feeling that is starting to grow into hatred. the fact that one of them doesn’t know about this is even more aggravating because i feel like i am betraying the person. and yet i can’t bring myself to say the words. i dread even thinking of what would happen if everyone knew.

i told my aunt. i wanted someone to save me from this. i wanted to erase my existence. i wanted to disappear. i wished i would just explode into nothing. she listened to me as i cried even more, getting frustrated with every second of thinking and talking¬†about the problem. i wanted someone to hold me. i wanted to not be the responsible one; i didn’t want to be the person of strength at this point. my grandma had said that she told me instead of my older sister because she knew i could take it and i wouldn’t react irrationally. i didn’t want to hear that. i wanted to scream, i wanted to shrivel up. i didn’t want to be the background person making sure everything is okay and everything is peaceful on the frontlines. i wanted to be the victim, i wanted to be the child caught in between. ¬†

now i feel like a part of me had died and it will never be the same again for me. i can’t bear something of this magnitude alone. i would go crazy. but hey, maybe that isn’t so bad eh? no. it wouldn’t be bad but i have my younger sister to think about. she is not one to keep her emotions at bay. she is someone who can hold onto a grudge if she felt it was justified. i don’t want her to become like that just because of this. i don’t want to dampen the bright sunlight of hope for the rest of the family especially since we’re moving in to a brand new home in a couple of weeks. this isn’t the right time. it will have to remain with me, my aunt and my older sister, whom i have told just yesterday. she was mad but she was silent from the shock, i guess.

tomorrow i am planning to straighten things out a bit. i’m going to see if i can clear things up. i just don’t want to judge against a person when i haven’t heard the other side of the story. even though it’s been confirmed twice now. i still want to know what thought ran through their head when it happened. i want to know how much¬†of a thought they gave about the entire family. i want to know¬† how much of a thought they gave about…

silent grieving tears are running down my face right now. i thought i would be past this stage already but i guess i am still hurting from it. i wish god would keep everyone unharmed by this gigantic trial. i don’t know what sort of action to take just yet. i still need guidance with this but i don’t know where i can turn to if i’m not even allowed to tell anyone in case the family becomes the talk of the town, shall we say. i just want all of it to end. i want it to end.