Gotta Pass!

LOL. I’m in a course again, but this is mandatory to work in my new cardiac surgery unit. I’ve been working there for 6 months now and so here I am, studying again. Well, on a break, really since I’m writing on here.. Exam is on Wednesday! Three days to finish up :/ So far, managing pretty good with the notes. Doing more rhythm strips today and still tonight! It gets confusing if I keep at it for long periods of time so I time quite a few breaks in (long enough for a movie sometimes lol). *Sigh* Life, eh? On the other hand, me, my bestie and my sister did a little “transformation station” thing a couple weeks back, with a general purpose to uncover and address some of our own bad habits.

My bestie and I had a few drinks and my sister wanted to go for a drive so I said, ok I’ll go if she drove (coz she was the only sober one lol). It went rather weirdly. Found out stuff that I sort of suspected already and some things that were way out there. So my bestie thought the growing craziness in me was brought on by my recent guy problems (yes, the guy I started dating turned out to be a player; surprise, surprise) but when I told her that was completely wrong, I had to explain all over again what I had mentioned to her right before I finished it with the guy. And then I was right in suspecting she was getting irritated or affected by it quite a bit; I told her I could tell. I’m pretty observant and the slight changes were: she was getting offended easily, and getting restless, also being slightly distant. I won’t specify; but I noticed because we’ve been friends for over 10 years now lol so I can tell.. I just didn’t show her that I noticed, which kinda hurt but I knew there was a reason for it so I tried not to take it personally.

I’m telling you, this drive and talk therapy thing was working (I had a bit to drink too but I wasn’t driving! I was lolling around in the back seat). And then I also found out she sort of grudged against having to take care of her brother when she was young and I can see why; missing her childhood like that must’ve been hard too. She coped pretty good though, and learned to let go of things much faster than I did. I still hold some anger towards my parents and every time I see them, it’s triggered at the back of my mind.

Then the most interesting thing to try to deal with was my sister’s issue. Oh, man, was that a can of worms or what! She tells us that she’s tired of feeling like the scapegoat of the family and having all her failures rubbed in her face ever so often. I apologized for everyone who’s done that to her (most of the family, really) and said I would tell them to stop if that bothered her the most. She was crying as though someone died, that’s how bad it was. Then she wouldn’t listen to what I say and kept repeating the same thing over and over. So I tried several approaches to get her to see another point of view (as to why we were “always hounding” her or always on her about her homework and stuff for school). It actually gave me a headache, because I started crying coz I felt bad that she felt like that and then having to explain and re-explain myself over and over again was getting tiresome. There was a point where I thought nothing I say will get through anyway, so I might as well give up. But I didn’t. We kept going until I was sure she didn’t feel so bad anymore. Could not have done it without my bestie being the middleman/referee when my voice started getting desperate lol. We tried to address a lot of things she mentioned, but it all comes down to what she learns from it, if she’ll take any of the advice we gave her and if she’ll actually start thinking about consequences of her decisions. We’ll have to wait and see..

 

Productive Year! …Or So I Hope

Well, since it’s been so long since I’ve updated my stories, I’ve finally decided to stick to one and work it until it’s finished. I used to love re-reading my stories, revisiting the various worlds I’ve known for so long but I was always scared to touch them even at their unfinished stage. To me, the words had to be perfect otherwise, it wouldn’t feel right. ARGHH! I’ve been in that stage for almost 3 years now! I’ve only managed to add a page or two here and there but that’s as far I got! I blamed it on my lack of reading lately, but who was I kidding? So! Now, you’ve all had a sneak peek at one particular  story of mine, The Mermaid Story (no, that’s not going to be the final title of the story).

Like I said in my previous introductory posts about this story, I’ve actually finished the main plot line of this story. It’s the details that are hard to put to it because of some issues (i.e.) how to make mermaids talk, and do the animals talk in words or no, etc. Now with my fourth year of procrastinating, I’ve finally made up my mind to write out this story. It’s been a rough start, with the images of how the story should go a certain way interfering with my processing for details. However, with that said, my writer’s block is finally gone and I’m proud to say that the story now has a new introduction, and along the way, I’ve conjured up new characters as well. I feel as though they’ll be crowded with so many crews throughout the story, but I’ll make it work. 🙂 So far, my inspiration comes from Boyzone’s songs. LOL! I know; it’s weird. Don’t ask me why, but it just lulls me into my fantasy world and keeps me there. Pray that at the last day of the year 2014, the story will be finished because it’s my present to my sister and my best friend. I don’t want to give them an unfinished present.

Quiet: The Power Of Introverts

After thinking about why I’m such a weirdo, look what I found while I was browsing in the bookstore: Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. For the longest time, ever since I’ve noticed that when I was younger, I was always so shy and quiet when it comes to socializing. I’m fine if you leave me with family and stuff, but the moment I know I have to deal with someone new.. I’m already comparing myself in my brain to how the other kids (my close cousins) react to those kinds of people. I was never quick to like someone enough or trust someone enough to be spontaneous around them. I alway measure, measure, measure. I’m gauging their actions, their words, and how other people react to them. I always thought of my younger self as an outsider; always observing, barely participating. It literally felt like I was watching life happen in front of me. I’m actually very thankful for that because I learned (and I’m still learning) a lot through watching and listening to others; it made me more conscious of good and bad decisions, of personal opinions and intentions. It was eye-opening to live that way and yet at the same time, it felt like there was an invisible barrier between me and the life around me. It felt like I was poring over every small detail and because of it, I was failing to actually live life the way everybody else around me were living.

Quiet by Susan Cain

Since I started reading Cain’s book, I realized that this is how I am and it’s ok to be like this. I am an introvert. It’s very liberating to finally be at ease with myself. I used to feel so bad for declining invitations to socials and parties and even just to hang out. I get stressed out even with just the thought of having to spend hours with random people that I don’t truly know and having to talk and talk and talk. And talk about what? ‘Oh, your nails are so nice. Where’d you get it done?’ I honestly find it hard to start conversations, because I don’t usually care about those things, and when finally (after 20 minutes lol) someone gets to a good topic, I can’t help but want to listen and absorb the useful information. To everybody else, I know I come out quiet, but to me, it’s just that if I don’t have anything useful to contribute, I’m not inclined to talk. You should see me try, though! I can pretend to be an extrovert to some extent! And at some level of comfortability (often with family and close friends), I am totally at ease with spending an outrageous amount of energy, and if the situation calls for it, I can try to emulate this version on myself towards other people. This is also good because let’s face it, our society favours the bold and the outgoing.

Just thinking about the extroverts around here is tiring me out, hahaha! I do try every now and then, and I’m slow to get myself worked-up for these things. If a friends asks me out of nowhere to hangout later that day; the first emotion I feel is dread because I was looking forward to a quiet night of reading, or just staying at home. LOL When I was younger and I didn’t know any better, I blamed my mom for letting me grow up so quiet; I had associated my quietness to her strictly authoritative disciplinarian style (“I rule, you follow… Or else!”) and I even started thinking I was anti-social or a hermit. But now after absorbing most of the book, I now know, the “buzz” for the extroverts are just not the same level required by the introverts. In the book, Cain shows that if extroverts need a party to get that happy feeling, then introverts need a long walk by the beach. The difference is that extroverts are into “jumping into” an activity and introverts are into “analyzing the activity.”

It’s really interesting when I see a friend of mine who is always ‘Go, go, go!’ kind of a person and they tell me that if they’re stuck at home (let’s say the car broke down) for a day, he/she would not know what to do with themselves. I have a lot of interests that keep me busy even though technically I’m only at home. For example, I write, I study languages, I read, and I draw, etc. That extroverted friend of mine thinks I just sit at home and lounge but that couldn’t be farther from the truth; I hate the feeling of being bored. When I’m not productive in anyway and not accomplishing anything, no matter how small, I get restless and I go find something to do. It’s just I find that I recharge my energy better when I don’t have to deal with so many people all at once.

What about you? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? =)

Yes, I Admit It: I Talk Weird.

I know as a fact that, at work, I half talk in my brain and with my mouth so sometimes, things don’t come out as clearly as I think they are coming out. Why talk about this, you might ask? Because it took me a while to finally accept the truth.  My co-workers find it weird, how I talk to them, but they are so nice that not a lot of them mention it. Hahaha!  I usually notice when the face or faces of whoever I was talking to becomes blank or confused. Then I have to explain it again, but this time, consciously making sure that what I say in my brain, also comes out verbally. It’s happened a few times, and I’ve gotten enough “What?” asked right back at me to know that I talk weird at work. I don’t know why, but I do. I have a feeling it’s because when I talk, I also analyze the other things going on around me and so instead of focusing on the conversation and the words, half of me is absorbed in the commentary that’s going on in my head about (i.e.) the other person’s non-verbal communication, or their eyebrows aren’t plucked properly or there’s a faint hint of bad breath from this one, or I’m reprimanding myself for staring only at one eye of that person during the whole conversation and I’m trying to find a way to move my eyes but not make it weird so that I’m now staring only at the other eye . See? My brain works weird; it notices quite a bit.

It doesn’t help me either because I lose part of the conversation and I, in turn, have to ask “Pardon me?” since my brain was processing something else besides the conversation at hand. Which makes me look like a total weirdo all the same.

And so I’ve learned to somehow to block off bigger distractions, which can sometimes be good but also bad on the other hand. Sometimes, I can totally ignore someone calling me from across the hall, because I trained my ears to focus on things only close to me. This is so that I don’t pay attention to unnecessary stuff that would potentially distract me, but as you can probably tell, it has it’s bad sides. I can tell you a bunch of examples, but honestly, it’s super embarrassing so I won’t. Instead, I will tell you that this weird way of dealing with the world absolutely sucks.

LOL. So far, it’s only gotten me out of situations where random people would be staring (ie) in malls, and I would see them and feel awkward because they’re staring. That much I’ve managed to block out. You know how when you feel like someone’s watching you and you involuntarily look that way, you find that person? Well, if it’s a weirdo (as in suspicious looking people) or even if it’s just a regular Joe, it feels weird. Then I start acting like a robot in hopes of making them stop staring. Believe me, it gets very uncomfortable. But this part, I’ve already figured out how to deal with; it’s when I’m at work that is hard to fix. LOL! I’ll let you know if I get any better.

Random Pic 6

Me and my best friend were at a phase where work was getting too much. So i said we needed a break, a little bit of happiness, to celebrate life. I pretty much had a pool party and wii night in mind, but she went out and got this:Image

LOL! A very huge ‘life celebration’ literally on the cake. I found that funny, but the day was awesome, it was just us chillin’ and relaxin’ with lots of yummy food and Guitar Hero 3. hahaha we are so weird.

Just Dance 3

Yeah! this thing is awesome!! i love doing the dances but i get so carried away that i’m exhausted by the fourth or fifth song.. i don’t last long on it.. hahahaha..

My favourite ones are Daft Punk, The Chemical Brothers (Hey Boy, Hey Girl), and the Price Tag song.. i do the other ones, but these ones, i am awesome at them!! LOL!

i will update this post!! promise!! =) soon!! we are still playing at this moment!! LOL

edit: So Christmas went by pretty nicely. we played a lot of Just Dance 3 and ate sour patch kids, reese’s pieces… lol we almost did some alcohol but some ppl had work the next day.. hahaha!!

honestly though, its a good, fun way to exercise, if you’re gonna do it half-assed (basically relying on the remote to just mimic movements and the rest of you is sitting on the couch)… well, it’s pointless. you have to be ready to move, to feel the burn and the heat and especially to feel the dripping of your sweat down your ass. LOL! but seriously, it is so much fun!! try it and you’ll see what i mean!! =)

Day 8,335

Today is my 8,335th day here on Earth. I’ve been alive for 8,335 days. Makes me feel like the clock is ticking. My goals still seem far away. Treasure every moment and always learn. Gaining wisdom and using it to benefit others should be our goal. Live life to the fullest and stay positive. =)