Against All

Okay. It’s been a year since I last wrote here. Lots of things have happened, believe me, and most of them were pretty hard to deal with. I’m not one to look for conflict and I avoid it as much as possible, either by ignoring or letting go of things that bother me and trying to find inner peace that way. This past year I found that this caused me more of a problem compared to if I had faced them head on. I’ve told you a few times how I can be such a coward and this is possibly my worst failing. My inability to deal with conflict can really affect the relationships around me and sadly, this affected the one relationship I thought would hold through any hardships, to the end of time: the relationship between me and my best friend.

This will sound cliche, but it got worse when I started dating this guy in a more serious tone. The little jabs and stirring up stuff that had happened before I started dating my now boyfriend was something I had attributed to maybe she wasn’t doing it on purpose, but the one thought that nagged at me–and still does–is this: the things she did was not something I would ever dream of doing to her because I would know it was hurtful. And I would never do anything to hurt the one person that I have complete loyalty to. In order to stop myself from stressing over it or having flashbacks, I accepted that fact that it had happened (for my peace of mind) and reminded myself that I that I love her always, being my best friend and all. The tension kind of ebbed and flowed just under the radar for a bit. It eventually disappeared and was unseen for the most part of these past few years.

After a few months of dating, my best friend let me know that she didn’t trust him and even if that hurt a bit, I could understand that. She attributed her distrust to how so eagerly he had wanted his friends and family to get to know me and how moody he got after 1 meeting. I happened to discuss with her the fact that he started mentioning this after the third week of dating. When I told him to cool it down, he did and stopped asking me to come hang out with his pals. When I brought him home for the first time after about 6 months of dating, on my birthday, my sister was not very personable. Prior to this he already had an idea of how he popular he was with my best friend and sister aka not a lot. He had seen me cry because of it. I was struggling between spending time between them (boyfriend vs. bestie & sis) coz I only had so much days off since I was working full time. It took a toll on me knowing they didn’t like him and they always end up being quiet when I start talking about him. It got to a point where I got uncomfortable mentioning his name because I knew they wouldn’t comment anything good or otherwise. So this is where it started getting horrible. Somehow my not mentioning him made me “secretive” and my best friend even said–towards the last months of this tense environment–she didn’t trust me anymore. And what I couldn’t tell her was, I couldn’t trust her anymore either, because of what happened somewhere in those 7-8 months of me dating my boyfriend. She had a lot of passive aggressive things that she did and when we had our “talks” 2-3 times, she was always justifying her actions with very illogical reasoning. One time I mentioned why she couldn’t respond to my texts after 3-4 days of constant texting and she told me “you don’t know if I was out of the country, how do you that I could reply to you those days”. That was even with me explaining that I texted her mom to make sure she was ok and not dying somewhere (coz she gave me heat for a similar thing happening and she said she was sick). And she always insisted that I was forcing him on her whenever I would mention “we” (mike and I) in my texts; which was very confusing altogether. There was a lot of those and weird distant one word replies when I had some good news to share: “ok good for you” or “no thanks I’m busy” if I invite her to do something, when normally we were both the emoji-filled texters towards each other and normally she talks a lot. She stopped texting me unless I was texting her. So I also got tired of this begging for her attention thing that I was doing and I also stopped texting her unless I had something important to say.  This became very obvious in my family as she had almost stopped going to my house when we would normally be there every time I was on a day off. This took quite a bit of toll on me and I was crying almost every week thinking about it from day to day.. I started getting sickly around those times and this is from someone who rarely got sick; not even a cold would stick to me. My boyfriend of course was stressing out too coz I was getting so stressed out and he kept telling me that my best friend wasn’t acting like a best friend and I would silently agree with him but I always defended her to him, giving her excuses like “oh she’s not used to me having not enough time for her” or “she’s been my best friend for over 10 years”.. It was a terrible terrible time. There’s more to tell, but you get the idea..

Then there’s my family. To them, me and my boyfriend were not a good match. Let’s call him “Jon Snow” (lol yes, Game of Thrones ftw) and he was still in university… meanwhile I’ve had my career for over 6 years now. Understandably, my family worried about his stability in life. I talked to my mom, told her to relax, we were just dating, but she never did. Even though she talked to him whenever he was in our house and treated him like a guest, whenever he wasn’t, she had a totally different view of him. She’d say things like, “who’s paying for this?” and “how does he have money to always go out?” or “isn’t he working today?” All these things started coming out of her when I started going out more. Jon Snow and I went out a lot at the first 6 months or so then afterwards we got lazy and just started watching TV series or movies at his place. And I understood too that, being a student, he didn’t have much to his name and that was completely fine with me. The amount of cuddling actually got me addicted to his armpit smell lol.

To me, I never factored in his financial situation to decide if I liked him, and maybe that’s wrong but I truly didn’t even think of it as an issue. Of course, my family thought otherwise. When I talk to my mom, she would say stuff like, “how will he support you?” I felt like telling her, I don’t need to depend on a man to support me; I can support myself just fine. And he was trying to finish his schooling, that was the entire point for me. I loved that he listened well, communicated very well and was very patient with me and my family/friend. The entire thing was frustrating for him too, coz he’s always treated like a ghost in my house. My sister won’t ever talk to him, my mom is not happy I’m dating him and says things to me behind his back and my brother thinks I’m letting myself be used financially. only my dad seems to be more on the neutral side of things.

Well… that was a long post. I’ll rant more on this later. For now, my heart and my mind are tired.

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Random Pic 8

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Well, it’s been a while.. Here is a pic of snow monkeys. Me and my best friend went on a trip to Japan this past February. It was a bit of a hike up in the snowy mountains, but eventually we reached the hot springs and it was a lot of fun!! The little monkeys were just relaxing in the water, while some of them were digging around in the snow, maybe for food… Then one of the babies came out of the hot springs and walked right over my foot as it went up to the snowy hillside. Japan is lots of fun! Will definitely go back 🙂

Gotta Pass!

LOL. I’m in a course again, but this is mandatory to work in my new cardiac surgery unit. I’ve been working there for 6 months now and so here I am, studying again. Well, on a break, really since I’m writing on here.. Exam is on Wednesday! Three days to finish up :/ So far, managing pretty good with the notes. Doing more rhythm strips today and still tonight! It gets confusing if I keep at it for long periods of time so I time quite a few breaks in (long enough for a movie sometimes lol). *Sigh* Life, eh? On the other hand, me, my bestie and my sister did a little “transformation station” thing a couple weeks back, with a general purpose to uncover and address some of our own bad habits.

My bestie and I had a few drinks and my sister wanted to go for a drive so I said, ok I’ll go if she drove (coz she was the only sober one lol). It went rather weirdly. Found out stuff that I sort of suspected already and some things that were way out there. So my bestie thought the growing craziness in me was brought on by my recent guy problems (yes, the guy I started dating turned out to be a player; surprise, surprise) but when I told her that was completely wrong, I had to explain all over again what I had mentioned to her right before I finished it with the guy. And then I was right in suspecting she was getting irritated or affected by it quite a bit; I told her I could tell. I’m pretty observant and the slight changes were: she was getting offended easily, and getting restless, also being slightly distant. I won’t specify; but I noticed because we’ve been friends for over 10 years now lol so I can tell.. I just didn’t show her that I noticed, which kinda hurt but I knew there was a reason for it so I tried not to take it personally.

I’m telling you, this drive and talk therapy thing was working (I had a bit to drink too but I wasn’t driving! I was lolling around in the back seat). And then I also found out she sort of grudged against having to take care of her brother when she was young and I can see why; missing her childhood like that must’ve been hard too. She coped pretty good though, and learned to let go of things much faster than I did. I still hold some anger towards my parents and every time I see them, it’s triggered at the back of my mind.

Then the most interesting thing to try to deal with was my sister’s issue. Oh, man, was that a can of worms or what! She tells us that she’s tired of feeling like the scapegoat of the family and having all her failures rubbed in her face ever so often. I apologized for everyone who’s done that to her (most of the family, really) and said I would tell them to stop if that bothered her the most. She was crying as though someone died, that’s how bad it was. Then she wouldn’t listen to what I say and kept repeating the same thing over and over. So I tried several approaches to get her to see another point of view (as to why we were “always hounding” her or always on her about her homework and stuff for school). It actually gave me a headache, because I started crying coz I felt bad that she felt like that and then having to explain and re-explain myself over and over again was getting tiresome. There was a point where I thought nothing I say will get through anyway, so I might as well give up. But I didn’t. We kept going until I was sure she didn’t feel so bad anymore. Could not have done it without my bestie being the middleman/referee when my voice started getting desperate lol. We tried to address a lot of things she mentioned, but it all comes down to what she learns from it, if she’ll take any of the advice we gave her and if she’ll actually start thinking about consequences of her decisions. We’ll have to wait and see..

 

Productive Year! …Or So I Hope

Well, since it’s been so long since I’ve updated my stories, I’ve finally decided to stick to one and work it until it’s finished. I used to love re-reading my stories, revisiting the various worlds I’ve known for so long but I was always scared to touch them even at their unfinished stage. To me, the words had to be perfect otherwise, it wouldn’t feel right. ARGHH! I’ve been in that stage for almost 3 years now! I’ve only managed to add a page or two here and there but that’s as far I got! I blamed it on my lack of reading lately, but who was I kidding? So! Now, you’ve all had a sneak peek at one particular  story of mine, The Mermaid Story (no, that’s not going to be the final title of the story).

Like I said in my previous introductory posts about this story, I’ve actually finished the main plot line of this story. It’s the details that are hard to put to it because of some issues (i.e.) how to make mermaids talk, and do the animals talk in words or no, etc. Now with my fourth year of procrastinating, I’ve finally made up my mind to write out this story. It’s been a rough start, with the images of how the story should go a certain way interfering with my processing for details. However, with that said, my writer’s block is finally gone and I’m proud to say that the story now has a new introduction, and along the way, I’ve conjured up new characters as well. I feel as though they’ll be crowded with so many crews throughout the story, but I’ll make it work. 🙂 So far, my inspiration comes from Boyzone’s songs. LOL! I know; it’s weird. Don’t ask me why, but it just lulls me into my fantasy world and keeps me there. Pray that at the last day of the year 2014, the story will be finished because it’s my present to my sister and my best friend. I don’t want to give them an unfinished present.

Quiet: The Power Of Introverts

After thinking about why I’m such a weirdo, look what I found while I was browsing in the bookstore: Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. For the longest time, ever since I’ve noticed that when I was younger, I was always so shy and quiet when it comes to socializing. I’m fine if you leave me with family and stuff, but the moment I know I have to deal with someone new.. I’m already comparing myself in my brain to how the other kids (my close cousins) react to those kinds of people. I was never quick to like someone enough or trust someone enough to be spontaneous around them. I alway measure, measure, measure. I’m gauging their actions, their words, and how other people react to them. I always thought of my younger self as an outsider; always observing, barely participating. It literally felt like I was watching life happen in front of me. I’m actually very thankful for that because I learned (and I’m still learning) a lot through watching and listening to others; it made me more conscious of good and bad decisions, of personal opinions and intentions. It was eye-opening to live that way and yet at the same time, it felt like there was an invisible barrier between me and the life around me. It felt like I was poring over every small detail and because of it, I was failing to actually live life the way everybody else around me were living.

Quiet by Susan Cain

Since I started reading Cain’s book, I realized that this is how I am and it’s ok to be like this. I am an introvert. It’s very liberating to finally be at ease with myself. I used to feel so bad for declining invitations to socials and parties and even just to hang out. I get stressed out even with just the thought of having to spend hours with random people that I don’t truly know and having to talk and talk and talk. And talk about what? ‘Oh, your nails are so nice. Where’d you get it done?’ I honestly find it hard to start conversations, because I don’t usually care about those things, and when finally (after 20 minutes lol) someone gets to a good topic, I can’t help but want to listen and absorb the useful information. To everybody else, I know I come out quiet, but to me, it’s just that if I don’t have anything useful to contribute, I’m not inclined to talk. You should see me try, though! I can pretend to be an extrovert to some extent! And at some level of comfortability (often with family and close friends), I am totally at ease with spending an outrageous amount of energy, and if the situation calls for it, I can try to emulate this version on myself towards other people. This is also good because let’s face it, our society favours the bold and the outgoing.

Just thinking about the extroverts around here is tiring me out, hahaha! I do try every now and then, and I’m slow to get myself worked-up for these things. If a friends asks me out of nowhere to hangout later that day; the first emotion I feel is dread because I was looking forward to a quiet night of reading, or just staying at home. LOL When I was younger and I didn’t know any better, I blamed my mom for letting me grow up so quiet; I had associated my quietness to her strictly authoritative disciplinarian style (“I rule, you follow… Or else!”) and I even started thinking I was anti-social or a hermit. But now after absorbing most of the book, I now know, the “buzz” for the extroverts are just not the same level required by the introverts. In the book, Cain shows that if extroverts need a party to get that happy feeling, then introverts need a long walk by the beach. The difference is that extroverts are into “jumping into” an activity and introverts are into “analyzing the activity.”

It’s really interesting when I see a friend of mine who is always ‘Go, go, go!’ kind of a person and they tell me that if they’re stuck at home (let’s say the car broke down) for a day, he/she would not know what to do with themselves. I have a lot of interests that keep me busy even though technically I’m only at home. For example, I write, I study languages, I read, and I draw, etc. That extroverted friend of mine thinks I just sit at home and lounge but that couldn’t be farther from the truth; I hate the feeling of being bored. When I’m not productive in anyway and not accomplishing anything, no matter how small, I get restless and I go find something to do. It’s just I find that I recharge my energy better when I don’t have to deal with so many people all at once.

What about you? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? =)

Yes, I Admit It: I Talk Weird.

I know as a fact that, at work, I half talk in my brain and with my mouth so sometimes, things don’t come out as clearly as I think they are coming out. Why talk about this, you might ask? Because it took me a while to finally accept the truth.  My co-workers find it weird, how I talk to them, but they are so nice that not a lot of them mention it. Hahaha!  I usually notice when the face or faces of whoever I was talking to becomes blank or confused. Then I have to explain it again, but this time, consciously making sure that what I say in my brain, also comes out verbally. It’s happened a few times, and I’ve gotten enough “What?” asked right back at me to know that I talk weird at work. I don’t know why, but I do. I have a feeling it’s because when I talk, I also analyze the other things going on around me and so instead of focusing on the conversation and the words, half of me is absorbed in the commentary that’s going on in my head about (i.e.) the other person’s non-verbal communication, or their eyebrows aren’t plucked properly or there’s a faint hint of bad breath from this one, or I’m reprimanding myself for staring only at one eye of that person during the whole conversation and I’m trying to find a way to move my eyes but not make it weird so that I’m now staring only at the other eye . See? My brain works weird; it notices quite a bit.

It doesn’t help me either because I lose part of the conversation and I, in turn, have to ask “Pardon me?” since my brain was processing something else besides the conversation at hand. Which makes me look like a total weirdo all the same.

And so I’ve learned to somehow to block off bigger distractions, which can sometimes be good but also bad on the other hand. Sometimes, I can totally ignore someone calling me from across the hall, because I trained my ears to focus on things only close to me. This is so that I don’t pay attention to unnecessary stuff that would potentially distract me, but as you can probably tell, it has it’s bad sides. I can tell you a bunch of examples, but honestly, it’s super embarrassing so I won’t. Instead, I will tell you that this weird way of dealing with the world absolutely sucks.

LOL. So far, it’s only gotten me out of situations where random people would be staring (ie) in malls, and I would see them and feel awkward because they’re staring. That much I’ve managed to block out. You know how when you feel like someone’s watching you and you involuntarily look that way, you find that person? Well, if it’s a weirdo (as in suspicious looking people) or even if it’s just a regular Joe, it feels weird. Then I start acting like a robot in hopes of making them stop staring. Believe me, it gets very uncomfortable. But this part, I’ve already figured out how to deal with; it’s when I’m at work that is hard to fix. LOL! I’ll let you know if I get any better.

Random Pic 6

Me and my best friend were at a phase where work was getting too much. So i said we needed a break, a little bit of happiness, to celebrate life. I pretty much had a pool party and wii night in mind, but she went out and got this:Image

LOL! A very huge ‘life celebration’ literally on the cake. I found that funny, but the day was awesome, it was just us chillin’ and relaxin’ with lots of yummy food and Guitar Hero 3. hahaha we are so weird.