Another Year, Another Chance

The year 2013 has been a mix of blessings and obstacles. It’s been a whirlwind of travels and family drama and of course, my personal demons. It started out with a hesitant but willing step towards reconciliation towards a relative but by the time fall came around, the disputes and grudges were are nasty as a suppressed bullet being shot into your heart. I was kind of hoping that this year would end with a better note, in terms of being civil and having a little more understanding of the situation, but it all fell apart when the confrontations happened. I wanted to justify my parents’ side; to explain how it must have felt having to wait for years for somebody to do their end of the arrangement. I’ve tried a few times to set up a private time to talk about my family’s point of view, but it was always “work” in the way. My sister moved around her work schedule for this, but if they couldn’t make the effort to do the same, then that just shows me how they truly “care” about our relationship. While that ended on a sour note, I’ve been surprisingly doing well, with my other goal in life: to travel.

catching the sun

You’ve already seen my post on New York. My introverted self was actually okay with travelling with 6 other friends and keeping in close company with them for a week! I can’t even stand a single night of rowdy partying. That was around June 2013. Then later this year, mid-October to mid-November, the whole family went on an Asia Tour, as I like to call it (I also have a post about this, take a look here). My best friend came along, as I promised her. This time, we were on vacation for almost a month!! It was really fun! Busy, but fun. It felt like we were gone for 2 months, I almost started dreading work when we were getting closer to going back to Canada. We spent a few days in Hong Kong, where we met up with a family relative. Then another few days were spent in Singapore, making my best friend sick on the last day when we were headed to the Philippines. Then it was pretty much beach time and lots of time with my dad’s relatives. We did a little sight-seeing closer to our hometown because my best friend has never been.

The kicker of this year didn’t come as a shock, it was more of a devastation. As a child, I always thought of my family as perfect, both my immediate family and close relatives. Then slowly, as I grew up, the people around me seemed to want to share all the bad stuff about the family that was never told when I was younger. As I matured, it became more of a burden, which really brings to mind that saying: Ignorance is bliss. At the same time, it was a good learning experience for me because through the bad choices of all those people that I’ve heard about, I became more aware of consequences and that everything you do or don’t do, have inescapable consequences. I think this made me extra cautious in what I did in the past and it still guides me when I have big decisions to make. All those bad secrets of the family became examples of what not to do. However, with that said, those issues never disappeared, not really. Some years, the family would seem okay; the aunts and uncles talk to each other in a very warm and loving way, but behind their backs, something entirely different was being said. I hated that about my family. I often reprimand my mom when I notice her doing it; every single adult in the family seemed to thrive off of putting each other down and making themselves look high and mighty. That’s how I grew up; my sense of the perfect family slowly disintegrating with every year that passed. Now it seems this year, I’ve lost all faith in the meaning of that word: family.

As this year ends, mine is about to start.
As this year ends, mine is about to start.

My parents fight and they majorly fight only about 3 things. I can’t tell you what they are but the last one of that list is of course: Money. Which bugs me to no end because they can’t seem to see eye to eye on the subject, but they always refuse or ignore when I offer to help clarify about their finances. The other two reasons are what finally broke the meaning of family in our household. Long story short, my mom now wants a divorce and my dad wants her out of the house. Our newly acquired house (2009) is huge and is worth a lot. Through the years, after witnessing how those 2 things continued to cause havoc between my parents, the news of a divorce came to me as a relief. In my heart, I was finally hoping for a future without any yelling and name-calling, etc. My brother didn’t want them to get a divorce but me and my sister were all for it. There were no more tears to cry for this so-called ‘family’ because it never was a family for such a long time; that family facade was finally crumbling away and all I could see was a better future, for each and everyone of us. I’ve seen enough disrespect go on for years and years in our home. So since my dad wanted my mom out of the house, that meant me and my sister will be going with her. I asked my brother if he would stay with our dad in the house, and he shook his head and said no. That leaves one person to pay the mortgage and bills and utilities of a household for 5 people. My mom felt sorry, but I said she should feel sorry for herself, for letting things go on for years and years, and not have gone through with a divorce a long time ago.

Now, with that decision in mind, I knew we would need our own car and move into an apartment. I mentioned this to my sister and brother that they should be ready to move out by next spring; save money for rent, etc. That seemed to put things into perspective for them. They were quiet for a while and I could tell my brother didn’t really like the idea of having to move out and pay rent and not be living in our awesome dream home. But for me, I can sacrifice the dream home if it would make everyone involved more happy, and less stressed. So after a hiatus in my car research, I started it again, and finally made up my mind to get a vehicle so we could go to work and move around the city without having to rely on public transit, especially during winter time. I knew it was a stretch, because my credit for the previous years were not so holy, but having a stable job helped. I got a car for my birthday. It was a bittersweet acquisition, but it had to be done for practicality’s sake.

new car!!

This seemed to be the right move because the very next day, we had a family meeting. My parents wanted another chance. They wanted to see if they can still work things out, but I was already shaking my head. I knew things would be good between them for the first 3 days and then it would go right back to how it was before. It was a good thing that I said everything I was holding in. I was tired of hoping that the family would ever be as cohesive as a single unit again. It seemed like everyone was heading to their own directions. I said a lot of stuff, from my issues with how the equality of labour at home was royally skewed to what was really hurtful about my mom and dad’s relationship. The majority wanted to try again and so I was overruled. My parents apologized but I let them know that for me, this retry thing was conditional. I asked quite a bit from my dad, then my mom, and then my siblings. So here we are, in the “trying” phase where we really need to be able to trust and lean on each other. I pray that this will be the beginning of a new chapter in our family’s life. I don’t want my parents to end up in a divorce; it’s just there’s a very legitimate reason why they should.

As this year ends, mine is about to start. I’m looking forward to a lot of positive things! I’m hoping that stress will not be as proliferated as this past year. And I’m striving to a healthier me so I can achieve my goals and go even further in my life. Here’s to a brighter and happier future for us all!

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Thoughtless Words Are Fatal

Here we go again. To all the awesome moms out there, this post is probably one of your worst nightmares. I will start with a little background information: my brother is the type of person who is outgoing, confident and can easily get along with other people. He is also, among other negative traits, very easy to deceive. Example: a few years back, the two of us were walking to Safeway when this guy in a random truck stops him and asks him if he wants to buy a sound system, with random reasons of why he was selling it from the back of his truck. Being the ever cautious one, I was already starting to dismiss the guy even before he finished explaining. My number 1 thought:  a stolen system that they’re trying to get money from. So there’s my brother, easily being taken in by how cheap it was ($200) and that it’s brand new and was a 7 or 11 piece set. Then he turns to me and says, “Can I borrow $200 from you? This is a really good deal.”

To clarify, the thing was not a brand name I even recognize. I was appalled; his decision making when it came to sudden purchases, and an expensive one at that, was shocking. I said no, and he still bought it with his own money. I couldn’t believe he brought home that thing. I didn’t say anything because I knew he would get mad at me for questioning his decision. So we get home and surprise, surprise, my parents were livid.

Now that same trait of being unable to think his decisions through has at least three occasions that I know about. The most recent one is this: My cousin calls to tell him that a highschool classmate of theirs is asking her for money (loan) and she asks him if he can loan the guy some money. This is all on speaker phone and my parents could hear the whole thing. After hanging up, my mom tells my brother, “Don’t lend them money, you don’t even know if they’ll ever pay you back.” To which my brother apparently replies, “You guys didn’t pay for my tuition fee.” I guess I can’t explain the context properly, but he was trying to say that they shouldn’t care what he does with his money. (I don’t know why he had to mention the tuition fee at all though; I got student loan to pay for my tuition fees.) This is of course, so hurtful to my mom, who starts screaming at him in anger. Then she started crying.

My mom can easily make me cry, but I don’t think I’ve ever said anything so hurtful to her that she would cry. My brother on the other hand, has done this before, mabe a few times already. It pains me to see that she loves him so much and yet she hardly gets any thought in return. He then rationalized that he’ll eventually pay back my parents for all that they’ve done for us. Wrong. Who says any child can even dream of repaying what their parents did for them? We can all try, but anyway you put it, our parents fed us when we were all crying babies and changed our diapers and lost sleep to comfort us. Can all of us say we would change our parents’ diapers when they become incontinent? Can we say we’d have the patience to deal with our parents who had developed Alzheimer’s or dementia? Most of us would have no time for that and lots of excuses would come out to justify our actions. I don’t understand how my brother could forget the very simple fact: He wouldn’t be alive if not for our parents. I don’t know how he can even think that he doesn’t need parents. Just because he works now, he thinks he’s so awesome, that he’s so independent. He isn’t. He totally lives like a prince at home. Rare would be the time that he would think of helping out around the house. He eats, sleeps and leaves the house to party or to work. He’s like that on repeat. I learned to not mind it because it stresses me out and i know at this point, he isn’t going to change anytime soon. I feel bad for him and at the same time I’m mad at him. He thinks paying them back with money is going to amount to the same thing as taking care of them. Never in my life have I put money as the most important thing to me; it pays the bills, but that’s not the goal of my life. My brother keeps wanting to foster kids (to get more income) in the house so he wants me and him to pay to get the basement finished, but I know that the situation in the house would only get worse. And who decides to foster a child with the thought of getting rich? Am I crazy or is that just plain heartless?

Anyways, I have to sleep now, otherwise this topic will keep bugging me. ‘Til next time. Goodnight.

May You Rest In Peace, Junko Furata

Up to this day, I have never heard or read about such an awful evil. The dear 16 year old Junko Furata of Japan was kidnapped and murdered by beasts who don’t even deserve to live. Junko was held captive for 44 days until she finally died of shock. The extreme details of her days as captive was enough to make me cry for her soul…

“DAY 1: November 22, 1988: Kidnapped
Kept captive in house, and posed as one of boy’s girlfriend
Raped (over 400 times in total)
Forced to call her parents and tell them she had run away
Starved and malnutritioned
Fed cockroaches to eat and urine to drink
Forced to masturbate
Forced to strip in front of others
Burned with cigarette lighters
Foreign objects inserted into her vagina/anus

DAY 11: December 1, 1988: Severely beat up countless times
Face held against concrete ground and jumped on
Hands tied to ceiling and body used as a punching bag
Nose filled with so much blood that she can only breath through her mouth
Dumbbells dropped onto her stomach
Vomited when tried to drink water (her stomach couldn’t accept it)
Tried to escape and punished by cigarette burning on arms
Flammable liquid poured on her feet and legs, then lit on fire
Bottle inserted into her anus, causing injury

DAY 20: December10, 1989: Unable to walk properly due to severe leg burns
Beat with bamboo sticks
Fireworks inserted into anus and lit
Hands smashed by weights and fingernails cracked
Beaten with golf club
Cigarettes inserted into vagina
Beaten with iron rods repeatedly
Winter; forced outside to sleep in balcony
Skewers of grilled chicken inserted into her vagina and anus, causing bleeding

DAY 30: Hot wax dripped onto face
Eyelids burned by cigarette lighter
Stabbed with sewing needles in chest area
Left nipple cut and destroyed with pliers
Hot light bulb inserted into her vagina
Heavy bleeding from vagina due to scissors insertion
Unable to urinate properly
Injuries were so severe that it took over an hour for her to crawl downstairs and use the bathroom
Eardrums severely damaged
Extreme reduced brain size

DAY 40: Begged her torturers to “kill her and get it over with”

January 1, 1989: Junko greets the New Years Day alone
Body mutilated
Unable to move from the ground

DAY 44: January 4, 1989: The four boys beat her mutilated body with an iron barbell, using a loss at the game of Mah-jongg as a pretext. She is profusely bleeding from her mouth and nose. They put a candle’s flame to her face and eyes.

Then, lighter fluid was poured onto her legs, arms, face and stomach, and then lit on fire. This final torture lasted for a time of two hours.

Junko Furuta died later that day, in pain and alone. Nothing could compare 44 days of suffering she had to go through.”  That was how brutally she had been treated and how inhumane those scums were. (For more of the post, see here. Another article link is here.)

How did she even survive for 44 days? That is evidence of how strong her soul is. She was a human being who was taken from her life that she deserved to live.

2o years of prison isn’t enough for those pieces of scum to even repay the damage they’ve done to the girl and her family. They can’t even be called human beings anymore, because no human with a heart could do such a thing to another person. Those perpetrators have no soul, no humanity in them. They do not deserve freedom nor do they deserve to live. I hope their lives are a living hell.

Remember Junko’s story and never forget. Requiescat in pace, Junko Furata.

Paranoia is Never Good

since i’ve had the tingling to my arm and chest pains and the rarely back pain and foot pain.. i thought i had a clot at first. then i realized that clots can’t travel that much at my age and it shoulf get dissolved as long as i remain healthy, which i think i am… then my thought veered off to my nerves; what if i had nerve damage??  what if it was firing out signals when it wasn’t supposed to? this actually freaked me out because the first body part it targeted was my right arm, if it was nerve damage. and my right arm is my weapon, my tool for everyday all day things: writing, eating, scratching, you name it.. hands are very very important, just like the eyes and the brain and the heart. they are vital to me lol. anyways, recently i developed a feeling of decreased air entry, like my lungs would get tired nd not expand as it normally would. then i got a cold; so now i have no idea if it is the cold causing it or if it is possibly another thing… [i’m actually getting scared, i had no intention of writing this out just because i feel that when i write it down, it makes it true for some reason.. you know, like tempting fate or something]  so right now i have no idea what to do. =(

onto a slightly different topic, my cousins said i have OCD just because i’m meticulous and neat. i think that’s over the top. i’m just a neat organized person lol why am i talking about this here??? i think my artistic tendencies are suppressed right now and i cannot even write or think of a single paragraph to add on to any of my stories or yet even start a poem. i can’t even verbalize my nightly stories for my sister because my brain is just not into it [lol omg this is starting to sound odd… ok, just to clarify: my nightly stories are of a romantic comedy or sad/depressing stories and never includes vaginas or penises; yes i can say those words because i am going to be a nurse and i cannot, absolutely cannot be embarrassed to use those words in my field of [near future work].

anyways, i got my own room now, down at the basement. VERY QUIET. i like it. i like to be able to hear myself think when i’m studying and not some screaming voice [mom] looking for her back scratching wood stick thing.. my cousins and i recently watched Paranormal Activity 2 nights ago [SPOILERS] and i still get flashbacks of Katie being dragged by the leg off the bed. that is ultimately scary; i almost cried from the fear. and at the last part i stopped breathing when she looked at the camera and attacked it. it just gave me shivers right now. damn, that was really scary in terms of what you’re imagining happening in the dead of night and your foot getting dragged off the bed and all the scary stuff LOL i am getting freaked again.. although i must say the style was a bit hard on the eyes, my cousin and my sister got headaches and couldn’t really enjoy the movie.. and my eyes hurt a little after.. the day parts were slightly boring, but most of all i just want to say they are kinda stupid.

first, when you get dragged off a bed, wouldn’t you want to leave that house or at least call people to go and stay in the house with you other than yourselves?? maybe invite 6 more people to come and stay and do switching watch rounds [ie] three stay up while three sleep, or something like that, or just totally don’t go back into that freakin house!! gosh, i kept expecting them to do something and yet they never did. when the girl refused to get out of the house during that day, i would have called for reinforcements and had help to haul her out of the house. i mean, that is just weird to stay in a house where you know something is there that is very scary LOL. i can’t say any of the other adjectives just because i feel like it’s calling back all the movie flashbacks… but yeah, poor Mikah/Micah/Mika/Mica [i don’t know how to spell his name lol] but anyways, yeah bad idea to not call that guy that the old guy recommended [the demonologist??].. it was funny how the theater was so quiet even when the credits were rolling. nobody moved for like 5 minutes.. i was letting my heart catch up lol.

Dearest

i have never been more sorrowful for my family in my whole life. experiencing a scandal firsthand is indeed a heavy burden. the moment i found out about it–which was two days ago–at first, i thought, i should have known this would happen. but as my grandma explained more, i realized that it was more than i could bear. i was disgusted, afraid, angry, sad, and i didn’t know what to do. i cried more and more when my grandma explained to me how the misdeed happened. to be honest, the saying, history repeats itself is proof of how i shouldn’t even be surprised at the least in this situation. but past is past, shall we say? and it was all talk so to me it seemed bad but i got over it. it was all a shadow of the past that i’ve learned to keep in the back of my mind. i learned to live with it.

right now, my father is lying on the bed in front of me reading a magazine beside my mother who is browsing the internet using my laptop. as i type here using my brother’s pc, all i can feel is weariness and a numbing feeling that is starting to grow into hatred. the fact that one of them doesn’t know about this is even more aggravating because i feel like i am betraying the person. and yet i can’t bring myself to say the words. i dread even thinking of what would happen if everyone knew.

i told my aunt. i wanted someone to save me from this. i wanted to erase my existence. i wanted to disappear. i wished i would just explode into nothing. she listened to me as i cried even more, getting frustrated with every second of thinking and talking about the problem. i wanted someone to hold me. i wanted to not be the responsible one; i didn’t want to be the person of strength at this point. my grandma had said that she told me instead of my older sister because she knew i could take it and i wouldn’t react irrationally. i didn’t want to hear that. i wanted to scream, i wanted to shrivel up. i didn’t want to be the background person making sure everything is okay and everything is peaceful on the frontlines. i wanted to be the victim, i wanted to be the child caught in between.  

now i feel like a part of me had died and it will never be the same again for me. i can’t bear something of this magnitude alone. i would go crazy. but hey, maybe that isn’t so bad eh? no. it wouldn’t be bad but i have my younger sister to think about. she is not one to keep her emotions at bay. she is someone who can hold onto a grudge if she felt it was justified. i don’t want her to become like that just because of this. i don’t want to dampen the bright sunlight of hope for the rest of the family especially since we’re moving in to a brand new home in a couple of weeks. this isn’t the right time. it will have to remain with me, my aunt and my older sister, whom i have told just yesterday. she was mad but she was silent from the shock, i guess.

tomorrow i am planning to straighten things out a bit. i’m going to see if i can clear things up. i just don’t want to judge against a person when i haven’t heard the other side of the story. even though it’s been confirmed twice now. i still want to know what thought ran through their head when it happened. i want to know how much of a thought they gave about the entire family. i want to know  how much of a thought they gave about…

silent grieving tears are running down my face right now. i thought i would be past this stage already but i guess i am still hurting from it. i wish god would keep everyone unharmed by this gigantic trial. i don’t know what sort of action to take just yet. i still need guidance with this but i don’t know where i can turn to if i’m not even allowed to tell anyone in case the family becomes the talk of the town, shall we say. i just want all of it to end. i want it to end.