that a heart is a heavy burden? It’s the holiday season and a heavy heart is not what one would hope to have at this time of the year, or any time of the year, for that matter… Nevertheless, faith is my only weapon right now.
The year 2013 has been a mix of blessings and obstacles. It’s been a whirlwind of travels and family drama and of course, my personal demons. It started out with a hesitant but willing step towards reconciliation towards a relative but by the time fall came around, the disputes and grudges were are nasty as a suppressed bullet being shot into your heart. I was kind of hoping that this year would end with a better note, in terms of being civil and having a little more understanding of the situation, but it all fell apart when the confrontations happened. I wanted to justify my parents’ side; to explain how it must have felt having to wait for years for somebody to do their end of the arrangement. I’ve tried a few times to set up a private time to talk about my family’s point of view, but it was always “work” in the way. My sister moved around her work schedule for this, but if they couldn’t make the effort to do the same, then that just shows me how they truly “care” about our relationship. While that ended on a sour note, I’ve been surprisingly doing well, with my other goal in life: to travel.
You’ve already seen my post on New York. My introverted self was actually okay with travelling with 6 other friends and keeping in close company with them for a week! I can’t even stand a single night of rowdy partying. That was around June 2013. Then later this year, mid-October to mid-November, the whole family went on an Asia Tour, as I like to call it (I also have a post about this, take a look here). My best friend came along, as I promised her. This time, we were on vacation for almost a month!! It was really fun! Busy, but fun. It felt like we were gone for 2 months, I almost started dreading work when we were getting closer to going back to Canada. We spent a few days in Hong Kong, where we met up with a family relative. Then another few days were spent in Singapore, making my best friend sick on the last day when we were headed to the Philippines. Then it was pretty much beach time and lots of time with my dad’s relatives. We did a little sight-seeing closer to our hometown because my best friend has never been.
The kicker of this year didn’t come as a shock, it was more of a devastation. As a child, I always thought of my family as perfect, both my immediate family and close relatives. Then slowly, as I grew up, the people around me seemed to want to share all the bad stuff about the family that was never told when I was younger. As I matured, it became more of a burden, which really brings to mind that saying: Ignorance is bliss. At the same time, it was a good learning experience for me because through the bad choices of all those people that I’ve heard about, I became more aware of consequences and that everything you do or don’t do, have inescapable consequences. I think this made me extra cautious in what I did in the past and it still guides me when I have big decisions to make. All those bad secrets of the family became examples of what not to do. However, with that said, those issues never disappeared, not really. Some years, the family would seem okay; the aunts and uncles talk to each other in a very warm and loving way, but behind their backs, something entirely different was being said. I hated that about my family. I often reprimand my mom when I notice her doing it; every single adult in the family seemed to thrive off of putting each other down and making themselves look high and mighty. That’s how I grew up; my sense of the perfect family slowly disintegrating with every year that passed. Now it seems this year, I’ve lost all faith in the meaning of that word: family.
My parents fight and they majorly fight only about 3 things. I can’t tell you what they are but the last one of that list is of course: Money. Which bugs me to no end because they can’t seem to see eye to eye on the subject, but they always refuse or ignore when I offer to help clarify about their finances. The other two reasons are what finally broke the meaning of family in our household. Long story short, my mom now wants a divorce and my dad wants her out of the house. Our newly acquired house (2009) is huge and is worth a lot. Through the years, after witnessing how those 2 things continued to cause havoc between my parents, the news of a divorce came to me as a relief. In my heart, I was finally hoping for a future without any yelling and name-calling, etc. My brother didn’t want them to get a divorce but me and my sister were all for it. There were no more tears to cry for this so-called ‘family’ because it never was a family for such a long time; that family facade was finally crumbling away and all I could see was a better future, for each and everyone of us. I’ve seen enough disrespect go on for years and years in our home. So since my dad wanted my mom out of the house, that meant me and my sister will be going with her. I asked my brother if he would stay with our dad in the house, and he shook his head and said no. That leaves one person to pay the mortgage and bills and utilities of a household for 5 people. My mom felt sorry, but I said she should feel sorry for herself, for letting things go on for years and years, and not have gone through with a divorce a long time ago.
Now, with that decision in mind, I knew we would need our own car and move into an apartment. I mentioned this to my sister and brother that they should be ready to move out by next spring; save money for rent, etc. That seemed to put things into perspective for them. They were quiet for a while and I could tell my brother didn’t really like the idea of having to move out and pay rent and not be living in our awesome dream home. But for me, I can sacrifice the dream home if it would make everyone involved more happy, and less stressed. So after a hiatus in my car research, I started it again, and finally made up my mind to get a vehicle so we could go to work and move around the city without having to rely on public transit, especially during winter time. I knew it was a stretch, because my credit for the previous years were not so holy, but having a stable job helped. I got a car for my birthday. It was a bittersweet acquisition, but it had to be done for practicality’s sake.
This seemed to be the right move because the very next day, we had a family meeting. My parents wanted another chance. They wanted to see if they can still work things out, but I was already shaking my head. I knew things would be good between them for the first 3 days and then it would go right back to how it was before. It was a good thing that I said everything I was holding in. I was tired of hoping that the family would ever be as cohesive as a single unit again. It seemed like everyone was heading to their own directions. I said a lot of stuff, from my issues with how the equality of labour at home was royally skewed to what was really hurtful about my mom and dad’s relationship. The majority wanted to try again and so I was overruled. My parents apologized but I let them know that for me, this retry thing was conditional. I asked quite a bit from my dad, then my mom, and then my siblings. So here we are, in the “trying” phase where we really need to be able to trust and lean on each other. I pray that this will be the beginning of a new chapter in our family’s life. I don’t want my parents to end up in a divorce; it’s just there’s a very legitimate reason why they should.
As this year ends, mine is about to start. I’m looking forward to a lot of positive things! I’m hoping that stress will not be as proliferated as this past year. And I’m striving to a healthier me so I can achieve my goals and go even further in my life. Here’s to a brighter and happier future for us all!
I finally got my new iMac!!!! I call it my Mac-aroni.. LOL. Anyways, after four years of pining for this dear computer (because I had my Macbook and thought it was the best thing ever.), Ihave finally gotten to it and actually bought one. Now this wasn’t as easy as you might think it should’ve been. Okay, so first, I actually ordered the older version of iMac because of the fact that I found out–two weeks before the relaunch of the updated iMac–that the disc drive was going to be removed. So naturally, I panicked and quickly ran to all the stores in the city, calling to see if they have the old version in stock still. Sadly it was in vain. Then when I got to Futureshop, an employee said he could reserve one for me; so of course, I said sure. This was end of October 2012. So I asked him if it would take months to get it, and he said no, just a few weeks. I was so happy, thinking I had gotten ahead by buying the older version with the disc drive still. Then November came, and nothing. I called and by this time realized that the old one might not be in production anymore. So I said, okay, I’ll go for the new one whenever it comes. Then December came and still nothing. They just kept saying there was nobody in the city with it and that there was a shortage all over the place. Of course, I was doing my own research and surely enough, there was not one available from any other stores. I wanted to give up on it and was starting to think that, Maybe I didn’t deserve it, if it was taking this long. My self-doubting grew worse and I started thinking, maybe they went away with my money <insert mental screams of vain in here> and I was just thinking very negatively even though whenever I would call, I tried to be positive and think that it was coming. Janaury 2013 came and I was so close to just getting my money back, but I thought, ‘Well, if I’m taking my money back to buy it sooner or later, what’s the point?’ So there I waited still with my faith on the store, and on the iMac ever arriving, very quickly fading. then I got a message from my friend–who was at my house that day–while I was at work, that the store called. So I quickly called the store after work and VOILA! It was there! It finally came! It was so close to coming into my arms!!! I couldn’t tell you how very relieved and happy and excited all at once. So I went and picked it up and let me tell you, my Macaroni is very nice, indeed.
Right now, I have just imported my iTunes, most of my photos from iPhoto and loads of flash drives LOL. Next are my files and then I’ll start playing around with it more. Work is interrupting my learning time so I haven’t totally emptied my Macbook. I want it to clear out so it’s not as slow anymore (since I filled it up with junk and music, and photos). So far, I’ve only played with the desktops and the docks placements and getting my old apps back into a usable computer. Too bad my Starcraft isn’t supported anymore.. 😦 I actually wanted to play Starcraft when I thought about buying an iMac.. hahaha, but that’s just secondary to my main reason of being able to write for longer and not worrying that my laptop will explode or overheat (because after 6 years with my Macbook, one of the fans had given up on me, but aside from that, it’s still perfectly fine)… I didn’t wanna write about this because it was a really stressful length of time. Imagine, waiting for this darn thing for more than two months. It’s a good thing they gave me a discount after all that waiting. I also have the trackpad, which I got for Christmas from my brother, and it is beyond awesome!!! So much more easier than the mouse, but right now I find I use it in conjuction with the mouse; so on the left handside, I use the trackpad, while with my dominant hand I use the mouse… LOL. I’m sure that sounds like a weird way to operate a computer, but it works for me.. =) I love it. Not a fan of how skinny it is, because I feel like it’ll topple over and die.. Sometimes I think it’s too fragile now that it’s so thin. However, so far so good (now I just need a better internet connection).
So! Remember when I was blabbing about all that stress and things I’ve been worrying about? Well, it looks like I’ve gotten a little break from that.. I’ve been to Minnesota for a little family trip to visit my grandma. And that was a lot of fun!! You can see some of the pics I’ve taken in my other blog: Cherries on Top. Then after the 5 day trip, I went to work for a night shift before going to Las Vegas with my best friend.
It was awesome there! Too hot though… we got dehydrated a few times..my friend started hallucinating lol. We went to see Jan Rouven’s Illusions and we really liked it. I tried staring at everything closely but we couldn’t see how he was doing the tricks.. he was fast. lol then we accidentally found Cirque du Soleil at Treasure Island when we went in for a break from the sun outside. It was fun and stressful at some point.. lol it looks so hard what those people do.. like the acrobats and especially the two guy show/scene where one guy holds the other up using his hands and even his head!! that was scary.. imagine if something went wrong.. yikes. And Criss Angel’s show wasn’t that exciting… it was just bleh… for $79 that sucked.
I loved Gwen!! There was a lot of celebrities, like Britney Spears, J. Lo that didn’t look like J. Lo, Larry King, Will Smith, Justin Timberlake, Johnny Depp, etc, etc… it was so funny trying to make weird poses with them.. lol but let’s save that for another time. Right now, I’m thankful that I got to get out and away from the stress to recover my sanity a little bit. And now I can go on with the rest of summer and the rest of the year with no complaints…mostly. lol 😉
i love the animated movie Paprika!! hahaha a little confusing but definitely a good watch. i like the fact that it revolves around dreams and somewhere in there you kind of wonder if they’re trying to see if dreams have meaning or importance to the individuals. i absolutely adore the music in the anime as well. =) the characters are also very engaging.
so basically there is a group of researchers/psychiatrists that try to treat their patients thru their dreams. it’s a bit complicated when it comes to the DC mini and the psychotherapies, but you’ll get the picture once you’ve seen it. so then they found out that the 3 prototypes have been stolen and so they are trying to the DC minis back because they aren’t complete nor are they set with a limited access of some sort, so basically the people who have the DC minis can hack into any system in their facility and mess with anybody whose connected.
i admit, it sort of reminded me of spirited away for some reason. i guess there were little quirks, like when Dr. Tokita was eating and when Paprika dove into the dream and all of a sudden she is dressed like the monkey king. LOL that was cute! and when Paprika appears as a child (who looks like Dr. Chiba) and starts sucking all the darkness and the old man. Oh and also the transparent bodies.. hahaha, i don’t know why but throughout the movie, i guess the mood was sort of the same as well..? in any case, i loved it through and through. =)
i like them. they’re from Coffee Prince [a korean drama]. it’s so funny and super kilig [lol]… they should get together. i want them to make a second coffee prince but i guess that wouldn’t be nice with one member missing… you know Lee Eon?? the one who kept calling Eun-Sae his Angel? that was so funny but he looks like a good person so i don’t understand how something like that could even happen to him. i feel bad for his family.. he’s too young to go.. and he was just starting to get known in the industry as well. Rest In Peace, Lee Eon, you will be missed by a lot of people.
anyways.. on to a lighter topic. Gong Yoo and Eun Hye.. i wish they’d get together in real life or else i will kidnap Gong Yoo and tie him up in my basement!!! LOL just kidding.. i wish they really would date though, it would be soooo cute!! i liked their chemistry in Coffee Prince..
and gong yoo is just sooooo adorable and sexy!!! lol i can’t help it, he’s soo cute!! just look at these pics of him from the net:
hahahaha!! and look at his super hot bod!! i sound like a perv now…
WHEN he comes to canada, i will make him mine!! but if that doesn’t happen, i want him to be with yoon eun hye instead, coz look at her, she’s sooo cute too:
and just look at how cozy they are in this next pic.. aren’t they just an adorable on-screen couple?? oh how i wish they’re together off-screen too!!!! their wedding day would be so awesome!! LOL
*SIGH*….. dear gong yoo, if you have no plans to snatch yoon eun hye like you ought to, then permit me to snatch you instead. LOL
***ooh, and i’m working on a short story that involves gong yoo!!! and i guess i’ll put eun hye as a guest in the story lol. check it part 1 here… and part 2 here… it’s just a shorty so.. yeah; just read it if you want. =)
my new short term goal: the iPod touch 64GB. OMG, i am dying to have this one.. the extreme amount of space is luring me in as well as the excellent visuals. my dad has an iPhone and i don’t find it as interesting, i guess because he doesn’t use it for entertainment.. i on the other hand only want it for the sheer amount of videos, music i can input and games i can play. LOL, i just wish they’d make better games for the iPod touch, like make it closer to a Nintendo DS or a PSP or whatever, with Mario games or whatnot. i like arcade-ish sort of games. 2D doesn’t even matter as long as it’s fun. so here’s to hoping that by the time i get money for it on january 2010, that it will have more games that have a little more in depth to it… i really like the leveling up sort of thing [i play vampires on my dad’s iPhone..]
and also, since where talking about apple products anyways, i’m torn between the iMac 20 or 24 inch. i mean, the 20 looks shruggably okay, and the 24 looks extravagant. but if i’m gonna pay good money, i might as well get the extravagant one, right? LOL, ok problem solved, i guess. here’s to wishing a little more money gift from the parents over christmas. Geez, i really need to always think about these things if i really want it, eh? I want an excellent table to go along with it too, as well as a good chair. lol my back always hurts if not attended to properly. massages are a great thing. i wish i could go get massages for free all the time. that would be awesome, just as awesome as my future iPod touch and iMac. hahaha, dreams are good.
here’s to hoping, my sister doesn’t borrow loads of cash from me so that i can’t even save up for it again. did you know my precious [LOL] $2000 [saved up specifically for my imac] all went to my family? either for credit card debts or mortgage shortages or something else. and i am not the type to ask for borrowed money; i tend to let them pay me back in their own pace, which is bad considering the ones who borrowed from me are the top criminals of not paying me pack at all LOL. but no worries, such a huge amount will not go unpaid. i will try to ask for it back if the opportunity comes up. for the time being, i will continue staring at the iPod touch and iMac for about an hour. =)